#55: Just venting [UPDATE]

Sometimes it's really hard to smile. Before I can actually fight the negative feelings, just more and more bad stuff comes rushing in and it gets to me. It just fucking gets to me.
It's been a while since I've cried because I couldn't bear all these feelings, but I did today. Thrice.

I didn't really sleep well because I woke up a lot and always had a hard time falling asleep. On one hand was my mind occupied with positive thoughts (too excited to sleep) and on the other hand was my dog creeping in and out of my bed whenever people left the house for work/school. When I woke up at lunch time, I was all alone. After a shower I cooked lunch (instant soup - that's as far as my cooking skill goes), fed the dog and took her for a walk my mum came home and asked me if I wanted to accompany her to grocery shopping. Yes, I did. However, before we went there, she had to go somewhere else. In the meantime I was supposed to check fridge and whatever for missing stuff and write it on the grocery list. I really had no idea what to look for, so I just wrote the stuff on the list she told me before leaving.
That's basically how stuff started. In the department store she kept telling me how I should have checked for shit we needed, because this way she just ended up running back and forth since we forgot stuff I didn't write.
The mood got worse when I pushed the heavy cart out of the store. It was really heavy and hard to push - my mum didn't even bother helping me, she just got really fucking pissed at me when I pushed the cart to her. She yelled at me for not having enough strength and not having enough experience because I don't keep the house and know how to do things.
We didn't talk at all during the drive back home. I refused to sit next to her and instead sat in the back. As soon as we were home and brought the groceries inside without saying a word she just left with the car. That was when I received a text from her saying if I didn't go to the employment agency on Monday I wouldn't receive pocket money anymore.
Yes, she just threatened me like that via text. Instead of saying it right to my face she texted it. The most underhand way to do stuff like that.
That's what brought me to tears.
I didn't even get a little appreciation for going with her. She just noted down all the negative stuff and when her rage reached the highest level, she wanted to punish me because seeing others suffer makes her feel better.
Don't get me wrong. I love my mum, but when she acts like a twat like this I just really wish I wasn't her daughter.
She doesn't know that I'm ready to finish therapy this summer and she doesn't know that at this rate it's gonna be another year till I'm ready for that.
Heh, I know I'm not a single bit better than her. I mean, what am I doing here? Complaining in text and insulting her in the worst ways possible instead of telling her. I really couldn't care less right now though. Being related by blood doesn't give one the right to treat others like that. Blood doesn't keep me from cutting ties with someone. Geez, my whole family (as in, relatives) is broken apart. Aunts and uncles and cousins I never talked to/don't talk to anymore because my parents got in a huge dispute with them.
There was also another thing that added to all of this shit, but it's somehow harder to explain so I won't even bother until I figured out what my problem with that douche is.

Now I'm gonna concentrate on crying out the last bit of sadness and focus on Friday when I'm gonna see him, my silver lining, again. [insert rainbows and glitter and hearts and other gay bullshit]


♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫

Update: My mum just came to check on me. She just randomly asked if I was okay and whether I calmed down. I was kinda shocked by the fact that she just got over it this quickly although she had treated me like that. I just ignored her.
"You've always been good at ignoring people.", she then said. "Come on, smile!"
I hate it when people do that. It always makes you grin although you're not in the mood for that. And I did.
"Now leave!", I said though and put my pokerface back on very quickly.

I also added enumerations to every post title because it looks much better with the number of each post. To do that I had to click every single post seperately though, so I also deleted pictures that weren't working anymore because I dumbass deleted them at one point from my Google cloud thingy.

Last but not least? I love you so much, Z-nee ;_____; WILL YOU MARRY ME?! XD *wink wink wink insider joke*