#61: Missed me?

As always, I shall start this post with mentioning how long it's been since my last one: About 4 months. There isn't really much that has changed ever since then, which is definitely not a bad thing. I'm now in my second semester in university and while studying is getting even more important since I'll have muuuuuuch more exams this semester, my schedule couldn't be better.
Now I don't feel like I need to talk about my emotional well-being during these past months as it's been pretty well, however, I feel like I should talk about how I currently am feeling. Overall I can say I am in fact really enjoying everything stuff in life right now. My relationship, my lifestyle, my free time. I surround myself in my private time with things and the person I love, namely being Netflix, Unison League, good food, tea and of course my significant other. [insert gayseal.jpg]
On the other side, I often question myself about the real me - I often feel like my colour is fading. It's like you suddenly don't know who you really are: What are my hobbies? What do I even like to do? Is there anything I'm good at? Because sometimes, I feel just so mediocre at things. There's nothing I can compete at with others, since I'm an allrounder all-good-for-nothing. It's like I'm one of those characters in a sports game that has all her stats evenly divided and will therefore not win, but also not fall behind. Nice middle field. This is also one of the reasons why I feel loneliness wiping over me from time to time. (Though it's nowhere as bad as it was 2~3 years ago, it's undeniably there.) Like I said, although I am happy with my life, I want to share it with much more people. It might help me discover myself. Hell, even if it makes me feel just a little bit more social and less misanthropic that would be fine. I'm also looking for a concert buddy if anyone's willing to volunteer? (*•̀ᴗ•́*)و ̑̑

#59: Boo ya

Some days ago I came across text messages to a friend from two years ago. Back then I was having really bad depressions and every single of my messages stressed how bad I was feeling. It's ridiculous how much I was crying out for help without really receiving any until I went to a psychologist.
It made me glad to see that the depressions I've been having since I moved are smaller ones compared to those days. However, this of course does not mean that I will treat them any less important. If I don't feel well it's hard to focus after all.
Just the other day I was attending a lecture. Although I sat next to someone from my clique, I felt so socially isolated at that moment that I just wanted to fade away. I even considered going to the campus psychologist, although I was hoping so badly that I wouldn't need him/her

Luckily, things changed these past days. I've been talking much more with fellow students (especially with my clique, but also the students I sit next to during my language course) and boom, magic. Despite still feeling isolated at times (I wanted to go to a Halloween party the other day just for the sake of dressing up, but figures I had no friends to go with and canceled it), I've been so happy these past days.
I'm still having troubles sleeping, but it's no longer because I'm close to tears and reflecting on the past too much. No, it's because I'm so excited for the future and daydreaming about possible events. Geez, I'm a freshman at university and there's so much to do, so much to experience! (Hitting on a certain cute guy is definitely one of them and it seems to be working since it's mutual.)

Happy Envy-chan over and out! ❤

#58: A long-needed laugh

Ever since Wednesday things got better. Mostly. I had another breakdown yesterday, but quickly recovered. Sleep always does this magic thing, plus I had great people with me.
My problem is that I get super easily hung up on small things. Once it sets the ball rolling it's very hard not to find more unnerving stuff and they all just add to my sometimes so miserable existence.
Today I met up with someone after university. It wasn't a date, it was kinda just seeing if we were enjoying conversations as much in person as we did in text. Turns out we are. I'm far from any kinda serious feelings as we've only been talking for like three days, but it felt good to have someone who makes you laugh this much. I pretty much cracked up at every single thing he said, often even when he didn't say anything. Just super comfortable. Usually it takes me much longer to reveal this super silly side to people. It has both potential for a strengthening friendship and/or a relationship, hard to nail down which it's gonna be as of right now.
Sometimes I still feel as if me getting into a new relationship with actual physical contact (not just far distance stuff) is treason. I know how silly that is and I have no idea why this song is making me cry, but those thoughts sometimes just take over. Forgive me for my recent weaknesses. I'm stronger than this, I know. Thank you for reading, checking on me and maybe even caring. As soon as lectures start (tomorrow!) this'll end. I just finally need some routine in my life.

#57: I've come a long way

May. May was my last entry.
Well, let's rewind:

Graduation
University application
University permit
Sad phase
Recovery
Moving
Start of university

Been rough 5 months but I'm finally where I wanted to be more or less: In university. I met new people although I have no idea if they will be only temporarily like my love life, am studying what I wanted to study in the first place (Major: Modern Japan, Minor: American studies and English literature) and I'm kinda learning to take care of myself. Still got a long way to go.
Truth be told, sometimes I have those moments where I wished for nothing more but going back home and being in my own bed, safe and sound from all this annoying stuff like housemates, being around crowds in university and stress in general. I want to hug my dog more than anything.
As you can hear, I'm currently feeling a little down - with too much time on my hands I reflect too much about the past and start missing things, but as soon as lectures actually start, stress'll probably take over instead, ahaha.
Don't get me wrong, I like this new life I'm having, it gives me a chance to find out more about myself. More than ever, I feel like I needed that so badly. Although directions were existent, maybe a clear path will form itself now.
The journey is continuing.

#55: Just venting [UPDATE]

Sometimes it's really hard to smile. Before I can actually fight the negative feelings, just more and more bad stuff comes rushing in and it gets to me. It just fucking gets to me.
It's been a while since I've cried because I couldn't bear all these feelings, but I did today. Thrice.

I didn't really sleep well because I woke up a lot and always had a hard time falling asleep. On one hand was my mind occupied with positive thoughts (too excited to sleep) and on the other hand was my dog creeping in and out of my bed whenever people left the house for work/school. When I woke up at lunch time, I was all alone. After a shower I cooked lunch (instant soup - that's as far as my cooking skill goes), fed the dog and took her for a walk my mum came home and asked me if I wanted to accompany her to grocery shopping. Yes, I did. However, before we went there, she had to go somewhere else. In the meantime I was supposed to check fridge and whatever for missing stuff and write it on the grocery list. I really had no idea what to look for, so I just wrote the stuff on the list she told me before leaving.
That's basically how stuff started. In the department store she kept telling me how I should have checked for shit we needed, because this way she just ended up running back and forth since we forgot stuff I didn't write.
The mood got worse when I pushed the heavy cart out of the store. It was really heavy and hard to push - my mum didn't even bother helping me, she just got really fucking pissed at me when I pushed the cart to her. She yelled at me for not having enough strength and not having enough experience because I don't keep the house and know how to do things.
We didn't talk at all during the drive back home. I refused to sit next to her and instead sat in the back. As soon as we were home and brought the groceries inside without saying a word she just left with the car. That was when I received a text from her saying if I didn't go to the employment agency on Monday I wouldn't receive pocket money anymore.
Yes, she just threatened me like that via text. Instead of saying it right to my face she texted it. The most underhand way to do stuff like that.
That's what brought me to tears.
I didn't even get a little appreciation for going with her. She just noted down all the negative stuff and when her rage reached the highest level, she wanted to punish me because seeing others suffer makes her feel better.
Don't get me wrong. I love my mum, but when she acts like a twat like this I just really wish I wasn't her daughter.
She doesn't know that I'm ready to finish therapy this summer and she doesn't know that at this rate it's gonna be another year till I'm ready for that.
Heh, I know I'm not a single bit better than her. I mean, what am I doing here? Complaining in text and insulting her in the worst ways possible instead of telling her. I really couldn't care less right now though. Being related by blood doesn't give one the right to treat others like that. Blood doesn't keep me from cutting ties with someone. Geez, my whole family (as in, relatives) is broken apart. Aunts and uncles and cousins I never talked to/don't talk to anymore because my parents got in a huge dispute with them.
There was also another thing that added to all of this shit, but it's somehow harder to explain so I won't even bother until I figured out what my problem with that douche is.

Now I'm gonna concentrate on crying out the last bit of sadness and focus on Friday when I'm gonna see him, my silver lining, again. [insert rainbows and glitter and hearts and other gay bullshit]


♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫

Update: My mum just came to check on me. She just randomly asked if I was okay and whether I calmed down. I was kinda shocked by the fact that she just got over it this quickly although she had treated me like that. I just ignored her.
"You've always been good at ignoring people.", she then said. "Come on, smile!"
I hate it when people do that. It always makes you grin although you're not in the mood for that. And I did.
"Now leave!", I said though and put my pokerface back on very quickly.

I also added enumerations to every post title because it looks much better with the number of each post. To do that I had to click every single post seperately though, so I also deleted pictures that weren't working anymore because I dumbass deleted them at one point from my Google cloud thingy.

Last but not least? I love you so much, Z-nee ;_____; WILL YOU MARRY ME?! XD *wink wink wink insider joke*

#54: Quick life update

Urgh I'm still so intrigued by my American reader who uses Firefox. Y U no reveal yourself?!

Yeah, got random InsaniTees for my brother and me but look, this blog isn't just to review Qwertee shirts, as much as I would love it to be. The quality's always the same, it's just the design that changes. No pics this time, just wanted to mention that my brother got a Cheshire Cat one, I got Indiana Mouse. After my first InsaniTee experience (the Pokémon tees) I was actually disappointed, but hey, that's the risk of ordering a random (but therefore cheap) shirt. Brown isn't really a colour I like to wear and I'm not a big fan of Indiana Jones (I don't dislike it, just never watched a thing so I never got into it), but it's kinda cute the more I think about it.

Anyway, what else happened in my life in the past month?
Exams mostly. A-Level examinations. All the written exams are now done, I just need to return all my school books and have the final oral exam in about two weeks. But before that happens, I'm going to "vacation". Vacation as in seeing a reeeeeally good friend who lives across the country and going to concerts (together). Like seriously, I'm so excited to see two out of my four favourite bands/singers within two days ♥
Also, remember the date I mentioned? A second one with the same guy happened and that apparently marks now the date we became a couple. As much as I would love going into details... from experience I know that making stuff like this public results in a break-up. Not because of the fact that I shared that, but because I was kinda calling for it. Twitter doesn't count, amirite?
I'll just see where this experience is gonna take me. If it makes me stay here after all, then that's that. All I know is that I really enjoy this despite our differences and that's what love's about, right?

Well, back to doing nothing all day now.

#52: Aaaaand down the hill it goes

Shit, it's back.
The overwhelming feeling of loneliness. Despite having so many people who care about me, I feel all alone in the world. People are being pushed away by me and in the end, I'm crying myself to sleep because no one's there for me.
It's your own fault, stupid.
I'm aware of that, consciousness. But I just can't change it.
Secretly I really just want to be in a relationship, but one can't force anything, especially if my heart's still in its former places. Heh, won't ever get over them.
I'm praying for my favourite medicine - sleep - to cure me. The shit I've done to my people though? Still gotta work that out.