#62: Inept social skills

Life is weird.

One thing I just don't understand about it is... Why did we evolve to be social entities, when yet some of us are most comfortable being alone and isolated?

Take me for example. I consider myself an introvert, drawing most of my energy from not being in crowded places and instead spending some quality time at home. On the other side, I enjoy going to concerts (for the music and the bands though, not the people obviously) and feel super lonely and get all depressed when I'm without any social contact for too long. And I know that I'm not the only one with this problem. Just earlier this day my significant other mentioned that he was feeling lonely. It's the same feeling I get from time to time: The sudden realization that - besides each other - we genuinely don't have anyone else we can share our deepest secrets with. No people that bond with us on a deeper level other than hanging out from time to time and talking about superficial stuff like fandoms, university and whatsoever.
Of course I'm being encouraged by him that we'll soon find friends, hopefully even together. As much as I appreciate it, it's also putting this pressure on me. When I think of possible situations, I can't help but panic. I shut down instantly and start seeing things through a very pessimistic perspective. I'll never be able to find new friends or I'll never get myself together and talk to people in real life. There's this feeling in my stomach that's holding me back. I actually feel physically uncomfortable. Want an example? Today in my language course class we had to play this silly bingo game. It had fields that said things like "[...] can run 20 km" or "[...] can speak French". We were supposed to go around in class and ask everyone what they could do until we got a bingo. The mere thought of it made me feel so sick, that I couldn't help but sit down and refuse to do this kind of task.I just couldn't.
I don't know when all of this started or what it even is anxiety?, but it's kinda blocking me off from making new real life contacts myself. I don't want to wait for other people to talk to me though that would be best as it is definitely less scary. I want to have an even better (social) life. Not just me, but for my partner as well.

#61: Missed me?

As always, I shall start this post with mentioning how long it's been since my last one: About 4 months. There isn't really much that has changed ever since then, which is definitely not a bad thing. I'm now in my second semester in university and while studying is getting even more important since I'll have muuuuuuch more exams this semester, my schedule couldn't be better.
Now I don't feel like I need to talk about my emotional well-being during these past months as it's been pretty well, however, I feel like I should talk about how I currently am feeling. Overall I can say I am in fact really enjoying everything stuff in life right now. My relationship, my lifestyle, my free time. I surround myself in my private time with things and the person I love, namely being Netflix, Unison League, good food, tea and of course my significant other. [insert gayseal.jpg]
On the other side, I often question myself about the real me - I often feel like my colour is fading. It's like you suddenly don't know who you really are: What are my hobbies? What do I even like to do? Is there anything I'm good at? Because sometimes, I feel just so mediocre at things. There's nothing I can compete at with others, since I'm an allrounder all-good-for-nothing. It's like I'm one of those characters in a sports game that has all her stats evenly divided and will therefore not win, but also not fall behind. Nice middle field. This is also one of the reasons why I feel loneliness wiping over me from time to time. (Though it's nowhere as bad as it was 2~3 years ago, it's undeniably there.) Like I said, although I am happy with my life, I want to share it with much more people. It might help me discover myself. Hell, even if it makes me feel just a little bit more social and less misanthropic that would be fine. I'm also looking for a concert buddy if anyone's willing to volunteer? (*•̀ᴗ•́*)و ̑̑

#56: Back and stable!

After the last post many probably thought that I was going to spread sadness for the next few posts a.k.a. weeks. I honestly thought so myself. It scared me, thinking I was gonna feel depressed and miserable for the next few days, maybe even weeks although I've been doing so good the past few months. But looking back at the last two days, all the negativity seems to be gone and I couldn't be happier about it.
Reasons? Let's take a look.

Thursday was actually just as shitty as Wednesday. Someone important to me said something and I overreacted. I was just so furious, I probably would have slapped that person across the face if it wasn't for that someone texting and not talking to me face-to-face. No, not my mum. Not again. Additionally to that it turned out that my other close friend can't make it to my birthday next week. University across the country makes it impossible for her to come over for a weekend. I absolutely understand that, yet it made me sad.

That was until I started texting with my best friend Z-nee. We discussed a little about what to do and where to go for my birthday, but soon enough the topic switched over to the one and only MMO we both play: Dragon Nest. (That said, don't overestimate me. It is the only MMORPG I play because I just love the system and I haven't found any MMORPG that worked similarly and caught my interest, but my characters are still far from reaching the highest level possible. I don't play enough for that... I like to believe I have a life, even if I don't.)

After I finished dinner I joined her in the game and we played for like 4 hours straight and trained our low-level characters to their first class specialization. That's the most fun part in the game, even if the story and dungeons for each character is very repetitive. After that, leveling up of course takes a lot more time, so it feels very tedious to me. However. with new equipment (that looks different on the character) you actually have a goal in the game and playing with friends makes it much more enjoyable anyway.

This was the start of it. As soon as I woke up on Friday which was right before lunch time so technically after lunch and not right after getting up I sat down in front of my computer and played Dragon Nest without a break until the late evening. At some point Z-nee joined me again for about three hours. After she quit the game I followed her.

Yes, the silver lining didn't happen, didn't meet him because of reasons, but we talked about some stuff and got that out of our way. Everything was back to normal.

Saturday was quite similar. I slept like shit because of my spine and tried to go back to sleep although I woke up like every hour, but the day started good. After lunch I got right back into the game. Guess who thought just alike? Yep. We ended up playing together for 3 ½ hours again and my main character leveled up two levels (57→59). Level cap is for a few days 70, then it gets raised to 80, so I've gotta try harder.

It wasn't only this silly game that made my days this amazing. Additionally to that I was also constantly accompanied by great music as I kept listening to the same radio station all day. (This is no advertising. I'm in love with Vocaloid and this is the best thing for me.) Furthermore I made appointments with the friend I'm not going to see on my birthday celebration, picked up Love Live again (Whenever I miss one day of an Event, I stop playing because I'm too afraid to look at my dropped rank... That continues for weeks until Z-nee randomly mentions new members and songs.) and well... Silver lining said some very charming things today. This is by no way usual for him, so it caught me off guard. At this point I realized that I am after all the type of girl to screenshot messages that are dear to me. I hate this, but I love it so much. As a result I ended up crying. I was just so overflowed by all the happiness that I couldn't contain the feelings.

Can we talk about how weird crying due to happiness actually is? It is truly satisfying, yes, but what's weird about it is the face you make. One screws up eyes and eyebrows and mouth adopt a rather sad looking pose. To me, this gloomy expression doesn't fit happiness. However, after releasing all of this by crying, one feels better. Still happy and with more self-control again. Until happiness takes over again I guess.

And that concludes my little presentation on my happy and calm days. I wish to continue my life like this. All I have to do is remind myself to take a break when I am in rage and cool down, out of reach from other people so I can't do any harm. After all, it doesn't take much. I have video games, music tea, a comfortable bed that basically just wanting me to sleep all day and amazing friends who I can absolutely rely on - more than I actually think I can.

I'm especially grateful for Z-nee's presence these days, but also a little proud of myself for not wallowing in self-pity and instead getting back on my feet. Gonna keep this up ♥

Envy-chan, over and out!

#55: Just venting [UPDATE]

Sometimes it's really hard to smile. Before I can actually fight the negative feelings, just more and more bad stuff comes rushing in and it gets to me. It just fucking gets to me.
It's been a while since I've cried because I couldn't bear all these feelings, but I did today. Thrice.

I didn't really sleep well because I woke up a lot and always had a hard time falling asleep. On one hand was my mind occupied with positive thoughts (too excited to sleep) and on the other hand was my dog creeping in and out of my bed whenever people left the house for work/school. When I woke up at lunch time, I was all alone. After a shower I cooked lunch (instant soup - that's as far as my cooking skill goes), fed the dog and took her for a walk my mum came home and asked me if I wanted to accompany her to grocery shopping. Yes, I did. However, before we went there, she had to go somewhere else. In the meantime I was supposed to check fridge and whatever for missing stuff and write it on the grocery list. I really had no idea what to look for, so I just wrote the stuff on the list she told me before leaving.
That's basically how stuff started. In the department store she kept telling me how I should have checked for shit we needed, because this way she just ended up running back and forth since we forgot stuff I didn't write.
The mood got worse when I pushed the heavy cart out of the store. It was really heavy and hard to push - my mum didn't even bother helping me, she just got really fucking pissed at me when I pushed the cart to her. She yelled at me for not having enough strength and not having enough experience because I don't keep the house and know how to do things.
We didn't talk at all during the drive back home. I refused to sit next to her and instead sat in the back. As soon as we were home and brought the groceries inside without saying a word she just left with the car. That was when I received a text from her saying if I didn't go to the employment agency on Monday I wouldn't receive pocket money anymore.
Yes, she just threatened me like that via text. Instead of saying it right to my face she texted it. The most underhand way to do stuff like that.
That's what brought me to tears.
I didn't even get a little appreciation for going with her. She just noted down all the negative stuff and when her rage reached the highest level, she wanted to punish me because seeing others suffer makes her feel better.
Don't get me wrong. I love my mum, but when she acts like a twat like this I just really wish I wasn't her daughter.
She doesn't know that I'm ready to finish therapy this summer and she doesn't know that at this rate it's gonna be another year till I'm ready for that.
Heh, I know I'm not a single bit better than her. I mean, what am I doing here? Complaining in text and insulting her in the worst ways possible instead of telling her. I really couldn't care less right now though. Being related by blood doesn't give one the right to treat others like that. Blood doesn't keep me from cutting ties with someone. Geez, my whole family (as in, relatives) is broken apart. Aunts and uncles and cousins I never talked to/don't talk to anymore because my parents got in a huge dispute with them.
There was also another thing that added to all of this shit, but it's somehow harder to explain so I won't even bother until I figured out what my problem with that douche is.

Now I'm gonna concentrate on crying out the last bit of sadness and focus on Friday when I'm gonna see him, my silver lining, again. [insert rainbows and glitter and hearts and other gay bullshit]


♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫

Update: My mum just came to check on me. She just randomly asked if I was okay and whether I calmed down. I was kinda shocked by the fact that she just got over it this quickly although she had treated me like that. I just ignored her.
"You've always been good at ignoring people.", she then said. "Come on, smile!"
I hate it when people do that. It always makes you grin although you're not in the mood for that. And I did.
"Now leave!", I said though and put my pokerface back on very quickly.

I also added enumerations to every post title because it looks much better with the number of each post. To do that I had to click every single post seperately though, so I also deleted pictures that weren't working anymore because I dumbass deleted them at one point from my Google cloud thingy.

Last but not least? I love you so much, Z-nee ;_____; WILL YOU MARRY ME?! XD *wink wink wink insider joke*

#54: Quick life update

Urgh I'm still so intrigued by my American reader who uses Firefox. Y U no reveal yourself?!

Yeah, got random InsaniTees for my brother and me but look, this blog isn't just to review Qwertee shirts, as much as I would love it to be. The quality's always the same, it's just the design that changes. No pics this time, just wanted to mention that my brother got a Cheshire Cat one, I got Indiana Mouse. After my first InsaniTee experience (the Pokémon tees) I was actually disappointed, but hey, that's the risk of ordering a random (but therefore cheap) shirt. Brown isn't really a colour I like to wear and I'm not a big fan of Indiana Jones (I don't dislike it, just never watched a thing so I never got into it), but it's kinda cute the more I think about it.

Anyway, what else happened in my life in the past month?
Exams mostly. A-Level examinations. All the written exams are now done, I just need to return all my school books and have the final oral exam in about two weeks. But before that happens, I'm going to "vacation". Vacation as in seeing a reeeeeally good friend who lives across the country and going to concerts (together). Like seriously, I'm so excited to see two out of my four favourite bands/singers within two days ♥
Also, remember the date I mentioned? A second one with the same guy happened and that apparently marks now the date we became a couple. As much as I would love going into details... from experience I know that making stuff like this public results in a break-up. Not because of the fact that I shared that, but because I was kinda calling for it. Twitter doesn't count, amirite?
I'll just see where this experience is gonna take me. If it makes me stay here after all, then that's that. All I know is that I really enjoy this despite our differences and that's what love's about, right?

Well, back to doing nothing all day now.

#52: Aaaaand down the hill it goes

Shit, it's back.
The overwhelming feeling of loneliness. Despite having so many people who care about me, I feel all alone in the world. People are being pushed away by me and in the end, I'm crying myself to sleep because no one's there for me.
It's your own fault, stupid.
I'm aware of that, consciousness. But I just can't change it.
Secretly I really just want to be in a relationship, but one can't force anything, especially if my heart's still in its former places. Heh, won't ever get over them.
I'm praying for my favourite medicine - sleep - to cure me. The shit I've done to my people though? Still gotta work that out.

#51: Back to the roots

Yes, changed the colours and the font a bit. Is that better or worse or the same for you?

Yesterday was an amazing day for me.
The weather was really good and spring-like (Warm, sunny... simply perfect.), so my mother, my brother and his girlfriend and me went out for a walk with our dog.

My mum screamed when she encountered this cutie and made a jump - the frog/toad (?) on the other hand didn't give a single fuck this day until my brother stomped with both feet on the ground behind it, making it jump away quite scared.

At the end of this long, long walk we ended up at something that used to be a ski slope. As it hasn't snowed enough to ski for years, they started turning it into a dirt bike trail, and at that time there was this one guy on his bike training. For his own safety he was wearing a motorcycle helmet so you couldn't see his face. While he was doing riding down the slope, my mum said she wanted to watch him, so we stopped and just stood there, watching that stranger. After he was done, my mum started clapping and that dude just stared at her.
"Come on, I really liked it. It was good!", she said.
I actually only heard her say that because I kept looking away because of embarrassment the entire time.
Dirt bike senpai didn't notice me (´;ω;`)

As we got home, I got an honest message.
"I don't think DP's the right one for you. He's enjoying being fangirled at a little too much."
This should have made me quite sad, but actually it ended up making me feel relieved. Not only did it save me a lot of emotional disappointment in case I'd put my effort into this guy and it wouldn't work, but also did I expect DP to be a womanizer. On the con I met him? He talked to a lot of people, but most of them were girls. Groups of them. After all, he was fairly handsome.
What made me happiest however was having met my "wingman". We've barely been talking for a few days, but I can possibly seeing it turn into a long-lasting friendship because he was being considerate and protective.
"But it was your DP, are you really okay with giving up on him?", he asked despite his judgment.

This whole talk about a wingman then inspired me to draw. Like really, I had an image in my head that wanted to be drawn. But in order to draw, I needed space... so I tidied up my desk, plugged headphones into my recharged iPod and sent myself straight to the heavens with that. Music still was and is my life and manages to cheer me up, no matter what emotional condition I'm in. (Listening to music as I'm typing this, yep.)
An hour and eventually two passed. I didn't drew anything but a wingman logo (which was the Superman logo with a W instead of the S). The reason wasn't just the fact that I got distracted a lot but also the long time I hadn't touched a pencil. It's been months and I actually thought about giving up on drawing (not just in that moment, but like, forever) until I had the idea to have a warm-up. This "warm-up" consisted of copying a photo by drawing it. It actually looked good until I tried to colour it. Usually I don't draw portraits and concentrate on drawing in manga style, but I knew that I was good at observing and copying stuff. Nevertheless this whole thing took me two hours: More than I wanted to take, as this wasn't supposed to be my main creation.
Today I ended up turning my own photo into a drawn portrait. After I was done I managed that the head turned out to be way too big in relation to the body. I could've easily changed that since there wasn't much of a body actually, but I didn't feel like that. I'll just keep it as a reminder of my crappy skills and as an incentive to get better.
If I have the chance to, I'd love to sit down every evening and just randomly scribble stuff. It's so calming and makes me feel so much more like my old self. My old, colourful self. Back when I had so much hobbies that I'd never be bored or feel like a plain Jane. Looks like I'm getting there slowly, especially since Easter vacation is about to start! Two weeks time to be creative in all kind of ways!

#50: It's a small world

The world is small, everybody knows each other and things change so suddenly at a pace that even surprises myself.

My mood swings today were one thing, but that's not what I'm talking about since that's nothing new, is it? What I'm actually talking about is a certain event considering the Deadpool cosplayer from the very first event (going to call him DP from now on). Yes, he's probably gonna be my topic for the next 5 million posts because I can.

So while I was casually talking to the guy I was mentioning yesterday (Confused already? Good.), he suddenly asked if I had found my DP now. Nope, of course I hadn't, but I was told to describe DP to him.

"I know that guy.", he said.

I gasped.

"The dude's not contactable personally", he continued, "only through his female friend. They're just friends I believe."

Somehow he ended up getting his Skype from her and he started texting with DP. I didn't get much details about the whole thing - how guys text with each other still remains a mystery to me - but he was confirming that it was exactly that guy. He was on the same convention and when I got to see a photo, I knew for sure.

Playing the wingman jokes aside, I was told that DP's Skype profile said he's be 9 years older than me. He definitely didn't look that old and that detail could be fake, but then again, you never know. I'm excited, but on the other hand I'm also scared.

But moreover, I'm just so amused how all these events concerning all these Deadpool cosplayers are related with each other. Who would have known?

Either it's the calm before the storm or my life is finally going uphill. Not just like this, I'm really not expecting a romance, but generally I've been feeling much happier and relaxed about things like school. Sadness comes less often, especially not as bad as it did today and with all the upcoming things, it seems like I finally got this going for me. Let's try to keep it up! :>

#49: Being in my element: Fangirling and shopping

God. Fucking. Dammit.
Had my whole doctor visit stuff typed out and meant to post it before this other convention I went to took place, but apparently that never happened, After that much stuff happened that I can barely keep up, especially now that I suddenly have the urge to post.
Yes, I am procrastinating although I should be learning for an important Biology test tomorrow, and yes, I blame you, stupid bank clerk. You know who I'm talking about. Stalker. Then again, it's my fault since I rubbed the fact that I'd write about you in your face urgh. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.

Soooo, why the break of one month?
As I mentioned before, I was being sick. That almost stole two weeks of my time, followed by trying to catch up with school stuff (I gave up in the end) and actually enjoying doing school work. My free time mainly consisted of shopping on Qwertee, where I got these new tees,

playing Love Live (asdfghjkl I need the SR Kotori of this event, she's so cute, my lovely waifu ; 3 ;), and going to conventions, as I hinted in my not-so-smooth introduction paragraph. That's what I've been dying to blog about for the past week. However... This report requires a little bit of a back story. So let's rewind.

After my last convention I was desperately trying to find that Deadpool cosplayer again. Every hour I kept checking this website where local people would (hopefully) upload their galleries of photos taken there. A photo of "my" Deadpool was actually posted there, but nobody linked him(self) on that photo, so that was a dead end (just checked, still no link). That's why I had the idea to search for Deadpool cosplays on the very same page. There were a few guys, but really only one whose face seemed somehow similar to the one in my memories or who I hoped it to be. However, he had a Sheriff Deadpool cosplay, so I didn't get my hopes up. You know where this is going, right, clerk?

Then the time for the convention had come. Hoping to meet the dude again, I again dressed up with the hoody (OMG THERE WAS THIS ONE GUY WITH A GIRLFRIEND WHO WORE THE EXACT SAME HOODY PLUS T-SHIRT), not knowing it would summon other evil spirits. My brother didn't come with me by the way, instead my mum and best friend accompanied me. As every year, the book fair slash convention was packed and the later it got, the more crowded it got as well.

I have no idea what time it was, but at some point we decided to meet up with my mum again to pick up some cadged cash. Therefore, we left the hall where the comic/manga section was in and ended up in a passable glass hall where the cosplayers were pretty much relaxing most of the time.

Suddenly something struck my head. I didn't know what was happening until I turned around and saw that Deadpool cosplayer standing there. A sheriff one.

He waved in a friendly way at me, holding a sword in his other hand. That's what he hit me with, I realized, and perplexedly waved back.

Not knowing what else to do, I kept on walking.

Yep, it was just as awkward as the other meeting before.

But holy crap, a Deadpool Sheriff?! It was the same guy I had my eyes on before!

Bla bla bla, I bought more manga since I couldn't decide on which Deadpool comic to start with, feet hurt, returned home in the train.

What I actually bought (= I also grabbed a lot of free stuff, such as stickers, pins/buttons, bookmarks, posters...):

One week later, I had eventually managed to message that cosplayer on that website where he had his cosplay uploaded. He did remember hitting me and that got us into talking (nonstop ever since then kinda).

Fangirling aside, before anyone gets their hope up like I did, the guy's happily taken, and that's awesome, I'm happy for him that he's able to work out his far distance relationship unlike I did. Good luck for you in the future as well, you two :3 #IShiptIt

Now there's a whole month left before it's my last day of school (one week of that being Easter vacation). After that, final exams start as well as my concert/convention time. Again.

Not sure how much more I'm gonna post because of those, but oh well, if I need to vent, and even if it's fangirling shit, it'll be here. Or Twitter. Yep, probably Twitter.

Now excuse me while I delete some embarrassing tweets and try to study for Biology. Evolution theories need me more than my non-existent blog readers do.

Au revoir, messieurs.

#48: Between school and headaches

Lately my spine has been doing worse again. Not to mention that I haven't been to sport for seniors rehabilitation sports for the past two weeks, simply because I either forgot or was too tired to go. To cut a long story short, my spine (which contains the central nervous system) is in a false posture, which in return causes bad headaches. Ibuprofen doesn't help as much as I wish it did, taking naps does rarely help, so I always have to wait until my night time's sleep to make it go away - until it comes back the next day, since sleeping of course doesn't cure my false posture.
For different reasons, one of them being procrastination, I haven't been sleeping much either lately. So when I come home from school, be it 16 o'clock or earlier, I would take naps until dinner. Naturally I wake up even sleepier and as the evening advances, I wake up. It's a doom loop.
School is also a thing. I'm really only doing the school work I'm supposed to do for the next day. That's an attitude that's making my life really hard and I'm not proud of that, but it's just so hard to change. I bet my Master-chan can relate, he he.
Mentioning her, she's one of the few people I regularly exchange letters with. Penpaling is a thing that's dear to me and it's the only thing that ever makes me go into town voluntarily: Because that's where the post office is. I would always be so happy when I find a letter or package on my bed after getting home from school. Nowadays most stuff I receive is from online shopping though, especially a website called Qwertee. They have so cute and geek-ish shirts sometimes, that I just buy them. They're cheap, too, and since the ship from Ireland, the shipping costs and time is so cheap and fast that I can't complain. Pictures about my ordered shirts are on my Twitter by the way. As soon as my random shirts arrive, pictures will be here though~
Shameless advertising over. Just kidding. Everyone who has a tablet should play Love Live already!!
*creeps back into bed and plays Love Live till death*
Haaaah, my waifus... ❤

#47: Effective reader luring

So after my post yesterday I apparently had more visitors on one day than ever before. To be fair, I also used more labels than I ever did before. I didn't even lie about them, all labels were related to my post in a way. Together with the option enabled that my blog is listed on Google, it's of course a more effective way to get visitors.
Let's say someone's searching for a cool Deadpool cosplayer. Well, because I intensively raved about a (by the way still unknown) certain cosplayer like that yesterday, that someone would find his or her way to my blog, hoping to find an epic cosplay photo. Hopes crushed.
Sorry but not sorry. I'm kinda glad you found your way to my blog, however you did! If it amuses you just a tiny bit, I'm more than happy to have helped. If not, sorry for wasting your time.
Even people who instantly close the tab after getting to my blog... They still make the visitor counter raise its number. And I'm just so happy when I get about 10 views. It's not much. No, it's actually nothing, but to me, it means the world, imagining that at least a single person bothers reading my silly and unimportant thoughts.
So yes, to end this useless rambling... Whoever's out there, I hope you feel loved. You're amazing and you deserve all happiness on earth ♥

#44: I'm still alive and breathing!

Wow, my last post on here was more than a year ago, shortly after I returned from Japan. I actually had three sentences in a draft for a new post written in November last year, but I never got around to publish it. For the better though. I can summarize all of 2014 by saying I had ups and downs the entire time. Like seriously. Started seeing a psychologist, was about to finish therapy in December, but got worse again and now I'm just feeling so very happy again. This is life pretty much.

I also apologize in advantage for this rambling blog. This post is mainly for cheering myself up, so it's gonna be a lot of cheesy cheering lines.

The reason I'm picking up my blog again is because I know it would help me in many ways. One is of course to keep writing, a thing I loved to do more than anything. I have no idea why I ever stopped, especially in English, since that's my favourite language out of the four I'm able to speak. Second reason is it being something like a diary, and diaries are good in so many ways. You can get stuff of your chest without directly talking to someone. Of course my blog being so publicly visible might be a disadvantage, but it's not like I intend on hiding my feelings. If anyone is reading my blog, he or she has probably seen my Twitter anyway. Since mini blogs are easier to write (140 letter limit), that's where I really update regularly. Even post links to new blog entries will be posted there, in case I will ever post one again after this. ψ(｀∇´)ψ

Well, what have I been up to? The only things I've really been doing regularly are playing Love Live and watching YouTube. It's kinda sad how my hobbies, which used to be really broad, have reduced this much. Because of that I've had depressions as well, since I felt like I became a boring plain Jane with no hobbies. I'm not stressed out about it anymore, I came to terms with it. I mean, after all, it's kinda motivating. The journey to find my place in this world is still ongoing and honestly, it's just so exciting. It's not like I can just blend out the negative things, but when those happen, I know that I will be happy soon after. And I mean, two days ago an amazing thing happened to me. If one of those negative things before hadn't happened, I'd never have been in this position. Life is good right now! Then again, I'm on vacation. I don't want to go to schoooooool!

Gosh, I really need to get used to this again first, urgh. Oh well, ending this post with love. Cheers!

❤～(´ε｀*)

#43: Another empty promise

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So, I'm now finally back in Germany and that for almost 2 weeks. Could have posted the first week, didn't. It seems like I'm still lazy as fuck. Instead of being creative, I'm flirting with my dog, playing video games with my brother and sleeping suffering in school.

Buuuuut once weekend has come I seriously want to work on this stupid ass blog. It'll not only help me with my essay in English (10-12 pages, lol), but also make me work emotionally with the year 10 months in Japan and accept the fact, that I'm back in Germany.

I mean come on, whoever wanted to read this blog has been waiting for those 10 months already, a few weeks now won't do a difference. Right?

On a different note, I'm currently playing „X-Blades“ with my little brother Ototo. When I was younger, I had a copy for computer, but the game lagged so hard and all the buttons on the keyboard... Gave up after the first 30 minutes gameplay. Now the other day, as I was on Amazon looking for cheap items on my wishlist, I came across the sequel of the game. Seeing both („X-Blades“ and its sequel called „Blades of Time“ for the PS3) under 10€ each, I bought them. Kinda funny, „X-Blades“ arrived first. So nostalgic, but dammit, the dungeons take so much time. You spend at least 15 minutes fighting off annoying beasts and collecting souls to level up your skills. Even the PS3 game is kinda laggy like the PC version with the camera being a pain and everything. When playing, you just feel that the game isn't the newest. Makes me look forward to „Blades of Time“.

...I just remembered that I forgot to watch/record „Angel Beats!“ on TV. I'll have to buy the DVDs like I planned to from the start after all.

As always, sucks to be me.

#42: Less than 3 weeks left

So it has come to this.
You, who might be checking on my blog now... Congratulations! It's actually a new post! Sadly not one like you might have wished for. No updates on my life. Not really.
In fact, I've only got about 2 1/2 weeks left here in Japan. Had good times, had bad times, but won a new home. I just don't want to think about leaving this wonderful place, country, all the people.
I don't have a choice though.
January 12th I'll be at the airport, packed with my stuff (hopefully no overweight because I bought to much merchandise and other otaku shit) and entering the plane, feeling like a dream is bursting right in front of me. But it won't be the last time. No, definitely not.
Good news is, that after that, I might actually get to update shit. Plenty of pictures have been taking lately, so yeah, it's gonna be interesting awesome! I mean I would have the time and possibilities to do that now, too, but I'm too lazy. I don't want to spend any minute of my precious time in Japan on typing down my experiences. It makes me feel sad. Instead, I wanna live them and see, what I remember later. If it has been important... Why yes, of course I will remember. If not, I don't. I'm not making a fuss about that. I just want to enjoy it for all I can...

In other words, Merry almost over Christmas!

#37: I think I love all of you (almost equally)

Today during I.T. class I checked my blog as usually. I saw that people from the countries the people in my Skype list are from all clicked on my blog.
I'm pretty sure not everyone of you is even interested in reading/enjoying the shit I'm producing here but you should know that it's making me veeeery happy ❤ (I'm still missing England here but it's alright, Spain is making up for it I guess ︶ ω ︶;; )
So yeah, feel hugged? As soon as I'm in Japan I can't post the link as my Skype status anymore but I hope you'll keep on clicking ; A ;
Or just message me on Skype, I'll set you on the subscriber list. IF YOU WANT THAT IS. (Goddammit, it feels horrible to be like "Oooooh, everything for the fans!" and as soon as it's getting less "FUCK THE FANS!". I'm totally the type for this. Who am I calling a fan anyway.)
I love you guys.

#34: Stuck between emotional difficulties

With every passing day, the time of my departure just gets closer. Today there are exactly 29 days left and the time until then will be rather short due to my plans. Okay, next weekend I got no plans so far but the week after that Ouji-kun'll visit again. Then another free weekend although that's the weekend when I should pack my stuff  for the long trip because the week after that I'll be on a book fair (in a lolita dress, whoop whoop ❤). Just two day after this I will depart. And the thought of this is not only bringing happy sentiments along but also gloomy ones.

It just is a fact that the closer the time is coming the cooler people I start meeting online. Another fact is also that I decided to limit myself to writing my blog, skyping once a month and writing letters. Naturally not everyone wants to write letters and I totally understand that. 10 months are a long time though and so I'm afraid of losing touch with those people who are important to me. The most of my friends agreed to this though. I was so happy when Hungary-sama said that she always wanted a pen pal. It terribly touched me and now that I thin about it my eyes are getting teary. Other people like Ouji-kun and Master agreed as well as a new friend I made during Winter break. They're adding up and the more people agree the more positive feelings I'm getting about all this. It's stupid but I guess due to a lot of otome games I became sensitive for relationships. If I'm not talking to a person although seeing her/him my affection this person decreases. I need to stay in touch regularly or the friendship status is kinda back to strangers. I saw that happening enough times already and honestly: I was always the only one who was feeling that way. For the other person our friendship froze when we were not talking. I can't do that. Not if the person isn't a close friend like Z-nee for example. Pfffff, during vacations we hardly ever talk and still we're like usually. (I LOVE YOU, GURRL)

I cried a lot over that matter. But this will after all be the year of my life and I will never ever have the chance again to experience something like that.
Ahahahaha, let's move on to happier things. Writing that actually helped a lot.

Valentine's Day was just a few days ago and this year I actually gifted chocolate to Z-nee and Hungary-sama. They looked so happy when I gave them the somewhat self-made chocolate, it was just perfect.
And then there was my brother who gifted me a game for iOS I always wanted: Miku Flick 02. It's not that cheap for a mobile game so I was really surprised when he showed me that. Best brother ever ; v ;

If anybody else wants to be my pen pal... Message me somehow. Comment here or wherever~

#33: MUAHAHAHA, I lied!

There never was a Christmas post. I took the pictures, but then last week my SD card broke, making all the stuff on it disappear. I have to buy a new one and re-take all the pictures, it's so annoying.

But let's forget Christmas for now, I'll report how the Japanfestival was and what I was doing concerning my year abroad because there indeed was stuff happening.
The Japanfestival was as awesome as it was two years ago. I bought a lot of second hand manga, increasing my collection to a total of 314 manga. Over 20 are still unread. It's annoying as well but actually fun. Right now I'm reading Sgt. Keroro. My favourite character is Giroro and Tamama. They're so cute! But actually the highlight of the whole event was a certain show group which did not only perform a Bleach show but also took part in a cosplay casting. They were the viewer's favourite (according to the applause etc) but still didn't win the final. That made me really mad. That's all I can say. I loved it. 2015 I'll go again.

Now, to my year in Japan. First off all the important facts:
The year is actually "just" 10 months.
I'll take off at the 18th March this year.
I'll arrive in Narata.
My family lives one hour away from Tokyo, same for my school.
My school is amazing.
I can look over to Disneyland over the sea <3 br="">
I haven't done it yet, but I will write my family a letter. I can't wait longer, I bet they want to get to know me, too >___<
I heard of others that they got 2 families (arrival family, one for the time after that) but I'm really glad I didn't. I just hope it works out good for both of us. I need to learn Japanese ; 3 ;

But that wasn't what I wanted to share about what was going on. I wanted to talk about money.
The whole travel costs 7900€, quite much for my family. Well, actually it wouldn't be affordable without a scholarship. We got one, but there are still 6000€ left. That's why we went to a big company here in town and told them my problem. The time's running and they said we should have come sooner, but they said they'd try to help us. It's highly doubtable that we'll get ALL the money, of course not and my parents are gonna raise a credit, but the higher the credit is, the more interest there'll be. We want to keep it as small as possible, naturally. I offered to work when I'm coming back. Okay, I really hope that I don't have to do that. When I come back, I want to spend my time for school, friends, reuniting. And Japan. Not working. But if it's necessary, I'll sacrifice myself for that. That's just a minor thing I have to do in order to make my dream come true after all.
Now I got the tip that I should talk to high politician here. That'd be awesome if we could get more help.

So. Now I have to read more Keroro. After that: Shoujo.
And wow. This week. It's amazing. Today three classes, tomorrow two, the two days after that two or three and then... School reports and vacatioooooon. Woop woop! Slacking off! Like my favourite show group! <3 br="">

#32: My hand loves corrosive acid

Goddammit, what am I doing with my life? I wanted to post here like 2 weeks ago and now so much more happened, I don't even know where to start. Why the hell didn't I write it down? D:
Let's try to remember.

.........and then I wanted to write about Biology class where I got corrosive acid on my hand which I didn't notice until it started burning and other stuff. But that was so long ago, now it was Christmas, I got gifts and tomorrow Ouji-kun and his friend'll visit and I'll be busy showing them the capital, so veeeeeeee.
I love my Christmas gifts (and my friends). I'm definitely gonna brag about that here. So just wait. SOON.

#31: Error 404: Sleep not found

The birthday party was simply amazing. I had so much fun, it was just great. Well, I always have fun if I'm together with Z-nee but it's even more fun if Hungary-sama is around as well. We're a damn fine trio, working perfectly together. This weekend just proved it once more.

Hungary-sama picked Azu-nyan and me up and we drove to Z-nee's place (her parents drove us, but pffff (；≧∇≦) =3 ). We arrived just on time - 3 p.m., the time the celebration was supposed to start. After a powerful greeting from her dog which looks like a huge snowball and animosity towards us from her other younger dog, we sat down in the living room to eat cake (we had two different ones) and muffins (chocolate and vanilla with chocolate chips). I don't like cake, so I stuffed myself with muffins. Too bad I had lunch earlier, so I only got to eat two muffins (´∩｀。) I love Z-nee's muffin. Their consistence is just perfect. They weren't dry at all and... waaaah, muffins ヽ(≧Д≦)ノ
Once we finished we went upstairs and made us feel comfortable in one of her many living rooms. Our main intention was to watch a DVD, but first we sang a birthday song and gave Z-nee our gifts.

On the convention a month ago I spotted those two figures. I knew she loves the series, so Hungary-sama and me had the idea to split it and we take one of them. I took Tiger (I *am* Tiger!" 8D) and Hungary-sama Bunny (even if it was the other way round, doesn't matter). Azu-nyan got her the sexy Sebast-chan cup with Zelda mint drops. Hungary-sama also gifted her a picture frame with a photo of the three of us, but I won't show that, we all look retarded on that one 8D
After this was done, we finnaly watched the DVD from a magazine. On this DVD we had different 10 minute-previews of anime and also the first episodes of a few. We were curious about the German dub of Pandora Hearts, so we just watched that. That and a few others, as well as a guy cooking Christmas cake.
First series was "Berserk - Golden Age Arc Movie I". We watched it in Japanese so Azu-nyan'd understand it but they didn't talk much, so that was really pointless. 10 minutes didn't tell much about the story but I can say one thing for sure: I will never accept this person as a male. Eye lashes make everyone look more female, even the main character (that wasn't the main character though) ಠ_ಠ

After that we watched the thing we wanted to watch: Pandora Hearts. Although Oz (I'll call my child like that) is spoken by one of my favourite German voice actors, I can't help but think his voice doesn't fit the character at all. Hey, it's less worse than the horrible German dub of the new Fullmetal Alchemist movie (Milos something) where they used totally new voice actors although the old ones were just perfect ヽ(ｏ`皿′ｏ)ﾉ  But for some reason I don't want to watch the anime of the series. If I'll ever do something with the series, then it'll be reading. The manga has been for an eternity now on my shopping list but I always found games or manga with a higher priority so I never bought it. "Mardock Scramble : The Second Combustion" was next. I saw an article about the anime in the magazine already, but I swear, I didn't pay attention. So while we watched the first 10 minutes of it, there was this handsome blonde guy. He was getting friends with the main character and wanted to show her his lover. That's why they walked toward an ocean/sea until the guy said "There we are." It ended at this point. All of us were really curious about the lover, complaining that it suddenly ended. But I already made guesses: The ocean was his lover figuratively. Or maybe... hm, there was a sunset and ocean. It all seemed pretty gay, so... Gay?! Dolphins! His lover has to be a freaking dolphin! And I was damn right. It WAS a freaking dolphin. Why even... goddess. But just for the blonde guy named "Tweedledee" I'd watch the movie. Without knowing anything about the series 8'D
Last but not least we watched "Kämpfer" as an anime. Well, what can I say about this random shounen? The jokes. Holy shit, the jokes. They joked about the voice actors of their plushies because the plushies are the ones informing them that they're Kämpfers and so on. Spongebob Squarepants and "Attack No.  1" main character Mila. Our trio kept on joking about this the whole evening.
Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion didn't make it any better. I mean I'm a Suzaku fan girl and when he appeared as SPINzaku I was done. Fangirling aaaall the time, hugging Z-nee's leg and screaming his name. (The atmosphere made me drunk...?) And I still dislike Lelouch sooo much. And C.C. And everyone except Suzaku.

While we finished watching anime with that, we continued with watching a guy baking a Christmas cake. As I already mentioned, Hungary-sama, who's a total pro if it comes to baking, kept on complaining about him not knowing things, naming things wrong and about the kitchen itself. She should make some cupcakes for
me. Hers are... wow. Just wow. I wonder if Master can compete with her （・ｗ・）
And then it was time for a super huge dinner.

Pizza, sushi, more pizza, mini pizza, buns with cheese and/or any kind of sausage... And we were only 4 people. I ate almost all of the mini pizza, at least half a tuna pizza... I was stuffed, but I kept on eating more o(>▽<)o

After going back upstairs we played the UNO card game, Super Smash Bros. Brawl, ate the sushi... And time just flew by. It was midnight already when we decided to play Old Maid with 3 different card sets, a different UNO game, the original one and then... a board game. In German it was called "Malefiz". Duh, this game made all of us damn aggressive and we sat there playing it for 2 hours. It was 3.30 a.m. when finally Hungary-sama won this shit. You can't imagine how frustrating it was. After that we all felt absolutely whacked but weren't tired. Still our group went down to the bathroom doing some business while I ate another piece of pizza.

The situation was just so stupid. While other people'd get drunk (17th birthday, duh!) we played board games until that time. It was so hilarious imagining how you'd tell this to your class mates or other people. "Woah, this weekend we had a gaming evening! We played the whole night and didn't even get to sleep. Aren't we hardcore? We played  a BOARD GAME."

I can't remember what we did after that, but when Z-nee and I went to bed (we shared a room while Azu-nyan and Hungary-sama shared another one), we talked for quite a while about our RPGs, dogs, parents... marrying... It was 5.30 a.m. when we kept silent and tried to sleep.

Z-nee woke me up at 9.30 a.m. and I felt even more tired than before. 4 hours of sleep on a weekend was probably a new record.

We got up, ate more cake for breakfast (I ate muffins) with cocoa (love that shit), played "Panic in Zombieland" and "Pokémon Rumble" on Wii, ate lunch (fish sticks!) packed our stuff and drove to my home after letting Hungary-sama off. I quickly brushed my teeth (haven't done this in a long time ＿|￣|○), threw 4 3D glasses in my bag, mooched money from my mum and made her drive us to the cinema where we met up with Hungary-sama. (We replaced Azu-nyan with my brother.)

We came to watch the movie "Wreck-it Ralph" I had been looking forward to for a really long time. Before the movie started, a short movie called "Paperman" from Disney was on. I don't really know what hit me. But the story was touching. It was animated in black and white, only the lipstick of the female main character was red. When the paper planes started leading them and the classical music started playing, I broke down and started crying like a baby. Especially when my brother told me he got goosebumps. I was disappoint, asking myself why *I* didn't get goosebumps because I knew how much it touched me. But then it just happened. I cried and made ugly faces.

Then the movie started. My brother and me freaked out about every detail, every video game (character) we recognized. Besides parents we also were the oldest visitors - probably the only ones who got the jokes though. So many insiders the small children probably didn't get. And then the credits of the movie. With this this song. And this one. I just sat there, singing along. I love it. I already told my mum that I want the soundtrack of this song as my Christmas gift from her. That and the two train group tickets.

Back home I ate a snack and later also dinner because I was really hungry after eating not much for lunch (wanted to have space for popcorn but in the end I wasn't hungry for that).

And then I went to bed at 10 p.m. (quite early compared to my last night) and fall asleep at 11 p.m.

But back to Christmas gifts... I finally have ideas for everything and ordered the last stuff I can't afford in normal shops online. Sadly, I was 3 € short so I spontaneously had to change my plan and buy different things. The people'll still appreciate it but I'm not sure if they won't be disappointed now that I got their expectations up with complaining about Christmas gifts being better than birthday gifts ○|￣|＿

We'll see. That's all I can say about that now. I mean I still got 19 days.

And with that we're getting to the last point.

A few days ago a person from the organisation called again. She asked a few questions about the explanation from the neurologist but yush, it's finally done!

I still need to get the money stuff done though (ﾉ∇･､)

NEED. TO. DO. THAT. As soon as possible, time's running, this Saturday I'll travel to the capital and meet other host students like Azu-nyan. I'm her company so to say. I won't know anyone and I'll probably be forever alone, but yay, smelling big city air once in a while is nice I guess （´ヘ｀；）

#30: My way of treating people

Wednesday I talked to Z-nee (OMG amazing, right? Talking to your best friend - I might be the first person ever to do this in fact) about upcoming Christmas. When I once again claimed, how much better my Christmas gifts always are (not pushing it, I was just whining about that), she (a seme who doesn't like to take much, especially because it feels like she owes me one) seemed to feel uneasy about this. Of course I understood that, particularly when she said she thinks birthday gifts once a year are enough and if she had to gift all of her friends she couldn't possibly do it because she also has a big family.
But seriously, getting things back is not my intention when gifting. Yeah, all the seme friends (and I have a lot of them) I got will have a problem with this but I don't care, ukes love to make their semes happy! ❤
That's my true intention after all. I just want to make people smile with this. I don't expect anything back, seeing that they consider my gift is more than I could expect or even want. I mean sure, I do LOVE gifts but moreover I'm a laugh maker, even if I'm sad and depressive an awful lot.
Or it's because of my sarcastic and teasing nature. Strangers won't understand this but I used to treat friends in a sarcastic way, act rude although I didn't mean it like that just to be a little funny. Yeah, maybe I'm exaggerating a little but you could say it seemed like I didn't treasure them right. I did though, I just showed it in a rather tsundere way. Maybe I'm a bad judge but I think this changed about a year ago.
I'm still a sarcastic person but I'm showing my love for my close friends in a gay way more openly, hugging them sometimes even although I don't really like to hug if not necessary. (Is it weird that I'm a cuddly person though? Well, let's just say I don't like to hug people not close to me like... class mates or "good" friends.) Pfffff and I'm still asking Z-nee casually everyday if she wants to marry me. She always rejects me, but yesterday she said the following:

• "I will marry you at the latest when you graduated."

Okay, she meant at the earliest, but still. Made my day, ohohoho. Besides my best friend fake sidekick there's also Hungary-sama. I rarely have any classes with her (actually only one and this is Politics D: ) so we only meet each other in breaks if we ever do and then we're all just happy to see each other. Like we three. Z-nee, Hungary-sama and me. My harem. (Am I the only uke around? That's probably why ; v ; )
I'm really looking forward to this weekend. The three of us (and Azu-nyan, we need a mascot after all) will celebrate Z-nee's 17th birthday with cake and probably too much food, (Last year we had sushi, pizza and mini pizzas if I remember correctly. We ate till our stomachs hurt and I swear, we didn't even eat all of it. There was still so much left...) followed by a sleep-over and going to the cinema to watch "Wreck-it Ralph" before it's actually at the cinemas.
Dat movie. Gamer movie. Can't wait to see it. Really. I've been looking forward to it so long and now I'm gonna see it earlier even >v<
And with that awesome weekend also the best month of the year will start: December! *O*
The most important dates'll be 1st, 2nd, 24th, 26th, 27th, 28th and 29th December. I'm looking forward to them the most. Maybe you already know/guessed why, if not maybe I'll write that here (or hint it).

Next blog post probably follows Sunday after I saw the movie including pictures of Z-nee's birthday gifts.
Oh, and I'm also planning to change my blog design a little more, adding a picture and an explaining page. Just check it soon, I'm working on it.