Showing posts with label Loneliness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Loneliness. Show all posts

20.5.16

#61: Missed me?

As always, I shall start this post with mentioning how long it's been since my last one: About 4 months. There isn't really much that has changed ever since then, which is definitely not a bad thing. I'm now in my second semester in university and while studying is getting even more important since I'll have muuuuuuch more exams this semester, my schedule couldn't be better.
Now I don't feel like I need to talk about my emotional well-being during these past months as it's been pretty well, however, I feel like I should talk about how I currently am feeling. Overall I can say I am in fact really enjoying everything stuff in life right now. My relationship, my lifestyle, my free time. I surround myself in my private time with things and the person I love, namely being Netflix, Unison League, good food, tea and of course my significant other. [insert gayseal.jpg]
On the other side, I often question myself about the real me - I often feel like my colour is fading. It's like you suddenly don't know who you really are: What are my hobbies? What do I even like to do? Is there anything I'm good at? Because sometimes, I feel just so mediocre at things. There's nothing I can compete at with others, since I'm an allrounder all-good-for-nothing. It's like I'm one of those characters in a sports game that has all her stats evenly divided and will therefore not win, but also not fall behind. Nice middle field. This is also one of the reasons why I feel loneliness wiping over me from time to time. (Though it's nowhere as bad as it was 2~3 years ago, it's undeniably there.) Like I said, although I am happy with my life, I want to share it with much more people. It might help me discover myself. Hell, even if it makes me feel just a little bit more social and less misanthropic that would be fine. I'm also looking for a concert buddy if anyone's willing to volunteer? (*•̀ᴗ•́*)و ̑̑

5.11.15

#59: Boo ya

Some days ago I came across text messages to a friend from two years ago. Back then I was having really bad depressions and every single of my messages stressed how bad I was feeling. It's ridiculous how much I was crying out for help without really receiving any until I went to a psychologist.
It made me glad to see that the depressions I've been having since I moved are smaller ones compared to those days. However, this of course does not mean that I will treat them any less important. If I don't feel well it's hard to focus after all.
Just the other day I was attending a lecture. Although I sat next to someone from my clique, I felt so socially isolated at that moment that I just wanted to fade away. I even considered going to the campus psychologist, although I was hoping so badly that I wouldn't need him/her

Luckily, things changed these past days. I've been talking much more with fellow students (especially with my clique, but also the students I sit next to during my language course) and boom, magic. Despite still feeling isolated at times (I wanted to go to a Halloween party the other day just for the sake of dressing up, but figures I had no friends to go with and canceled it), I've been so happy these past days.
I'm still having troubles sleeping, but it's no longer because I'm close to tears and reflecting on the past too much. No, it's because I'm so excited for the future and daydreaming about possible events. Geez, I'm a freshman at university and there's so much to do, so much to experience! (Hitting on a certain cute guy is definitely one of them and it seems to be working since it's mutual.)
Happy Envy-chan over and out! ❤

29.3.15

#52: Aaaaand down the hill it goes

Shit, it's back.
The overwhelming feeling of loneliness. Despite having so many people who care about me, I feel all alone in the world. People are being pushed away by me and in the end, I'm crying myself to sleep because no one's there for me.
It's your own fault, stupid.
I'm aware of that, consciousness. But I just can't change it.
Secretly I really just want to be in a relationship, but one can't force anything, especially if my heart's still in its former places. Heh, won't ever get over them.
I'm praying for my favourite medicine - sleep - to cure me. The shit I've done to my people though? Still gotta work that out.