#62: Inept social skills

Life is weird.

One thing I just don't understand about it is... Why did we evolve to be social entities, when yet some of us are most comfortable being alone and isolated?

Take me for example. I consider myself an introvert, drawing most of my energy from not being in crowded places and instead spending some quality time at home. On the other side, I enjoy going to concerts (for the music and the bands though, not the people obviously) and feel super lonely and get all depressed when I'm without any social contact for too long. And I know that I'm not the only one with this problem. Just earlier this day my significant other mentioned that he was feeling lonely. It's the same feeling I get from time to time: The sudden realization that - besides each other - we genuinely don't have anyone else we can share our deepest secrets with. No people that bond with us on a deeper level other than hanging out from time to time and talking about superficial stuff like fandoms, university and whatsoever.
Of course I'm being encouraged by him that we'll soon find friends, hopefully even together. As much as I appreciate it, it's also putting this pressure on me. When I think of possible situations, I can't help but panic. I shut down instantly and start seeing things through a very pessimistic perspective. I'll never be able to find new friends or I'll never get myself together and talk to people in real life. There's this feeling in my stomach that's holding me back. I actually feel physically uncomfortable. Want an example? Today in my language course class we had to play this silly bingo game. It had fields that said things like "[...] can run 20 km" or "[...] can speak French". We were supposed to go around in class and ask everyone what they could do until we got a bingo. The mere thought of it made me feel so sick, that I couldn't help but sit down and refuse to do this kind of task.I just couldn't.
I don't know when all of this started or what it even is anxiety?, but it's kinda blocking me off from making new real life contacts myself. I don't want to wait for other people to talk to me though that would be best as it is definitely less scary. I want to have an even better (social) life. Not just me, but for my partner as well.

#61: Missed me?

As always, I shall start this post with mentioning how long it's been since my last one: About 4 months. There isn't really much that has changed ever since then, which is definitely not a bad thing. I'm now in my second semester in university and while studying is getting even more important since I'll have muuuuuuch more exams this semester, my schedule couldn't be better.
Now I don't feel like I need to talk about my emotional well-being during these past months as it's been pretty well, however, I feel like I should talk about how I currently am feeling. Overall I can say I am in fact really enjoying everything stuff in life right now. My relationship, my lifestyle, my free time. I surround myself in my private time with things and the person I love, namely being Netflix, Unison League, good food, tea and of course my significant other. [insert gayseal.jpg]
On the other side, I often question myself about the real me - I often feel like my colour is fading. It's like you suddenly don't know who you really are: What are my hobbies? What do I even like to do? Is there anything I'm good at? Because sometimes, I feel just so mediocre at things. There's nothing I can compete at with others, since I'm an allrounder all-good-for-nothing. It's like I'm one of those characters in a sports game that has all her stats evenly divided and will therefore not win, but also not fall behind. Nice middle field. This is also one of the reasons why I feel loneliness wiping over me from time to time. (Though it's nowhere as bad as it was 2~3 years ago, it's undeniably there.) Like I said, although I am happy with my life, I want to share it with much more people. It might help me discover myself. Hell, even if it makes me feel just a little bit more social and less misanthropic that would be fine. I'm also looking for a concert buddy if anyone's willing to volunteer? (*•̀ᴗ•́*)و ̑̑

#60: A weekly routine

Happy New Year and all!
Since my last post in November I kinda got into a certain schedule. One that's the same every week. Having a routine like that helps securing my happiness. Knowing where I have to be, what's up next even in my free time - simply the knowledge that there's a place I have. (No, the journey to find my self is still ongoing.) Looking back at my first months here in this new environment it's clear that this is exactly what I needed.

While I have university Monday to Friday, my weekend is fairly free and I pretty much spent it with lots of sleeping, eating, binge watching shows (Finished Season 3 of Orange is the new Black last weekend. Great show, despite being so hyped and mainstream! Recently I started Prison Break... Notice a certain pattern?) and cuddling. When I get home on Sunday evenings I'm usually pretty exhausted despite the relaxed weekend. Anyone know this feeling? During my free periods in university I usually have lunch and/or wash the laundry. Depending on the amount I do it twice a week. (Not eating, of course! I do that three times a day, duh. Unless I oversleep. Like I did last Friday. First time in forever...) Monday's also my grocery shopping day. If necessary, I go to the stores on other days, but usually I plan the food menu for the entire week and buy all I need.

You may have expected more than this, but this is honestly all I do during the week. Sure, I have free time and it's not like I do nothing, but after having a long and exhausting day of university just lying down and watching stuff is so relaxing. Thursday and Friday are my shortest days, so if I go out, it's then. The other week I went to the show of my favourite comedian on a Thursday evening and it was so fantastic that I bought two tickets for another show in May. Next time I'll be going with someone else though so I can insider joke about everything. Yes, I can laugh about the same jokes twice, otherwise I wouldn't be going again ahaha What I also sometimes do in my free time is going to the shopping mall to buy yet another skirt or manga, karaoke or even the emergency because I randomly got a middle finger contusion. Fun times. Can't even play Dragon Nest or check out Blade and Soul due to my bandaged middle finger. I mean, WASD is impossible when the touch hurts. (It works like that, right?) At least I'm able to play mobile games. Currently I'm playing Unison League, メルティメイデン, Dream Girlfriend, ホストのアブナイ世界 and Happy Pet Story. Now you may have noticed that Love Live! isn't noted despite me formerly writing about it in every blog post. But, the fact that I stopped playing is quite involuntarily. After not having played for a while I wanted to pick it up again - an in-game notification said, I wouldn't be able to play unless I updated the game via iPad. However, going there, there was no possible update to be found. That's when I knew I wouldn't be able to play again... Because I used to play Love Live! on my iPad... First generation, doesn't go beyond iOs 5.1.1., update required a higher iOs. I didn't even get the chance to get an account transfer code thingy, so even if I played in my phone, I would have to restart. Since I don't want to degrade from a tablet to a phone screen though, it's just not going to happen. Goodbye, beloved waifus and hello Love Live! free but not love free life.

#59: Boo ya

Some days ago I came across text messages to a friend from two years ago. Back then I was having really bad depressions and every single of my messages stressed how bad I was feeling. It's ridiculous how much I was crying out for help without really receiving any until I went to a psychologist.
It made me glad to see that the depressions I've been having since I moved are smaller ones compared to those days. However, this of course does not mean that I will treat them any less important. If I don't feel well it's hard to focus after all.
Just the other day I was attending a lecture. Although I sat next to someone from my clique, I felt so socially isolated at that moment that I just wanted to fade away. I even considered going to the campus psychologist, although I was hoping so badly that I wouldn't need him/her

Luckily, things changed these past days. I've been talking much more with fellow students (especially with my clique, but also the students I sit next to during my language course) and boom, magic. Despite still feeling isolated at times (I wanted to go to a Halloween party the other day just for the sake of dressing up, but figures I had no friends to go with and canceled it), I've been so happy these past days.
I'm still having troubles sleeping, but it's no longer because I'm close to tears and reflecting on the past too much. No, it's because I'm so excited for the future and daydreaming about possible events. Geez, I'm a freshman at university and there's so much to do, so much to experience! (Hitting on a certain cute guy is definitely one of them and it seems to be working since it's mutual.)

Happy Envy-chan over and out! ❤

#58: A long-needed laugh

Ever since Wednesday things got better. Mostly. I had another breakdown yesterday, but quickly recovered. Sleep always does this magic thing, plus I had great people with me.
My problem is that I get super easily hung up on small things. Once it sets the ball rolling it's very hard not to find more unnerving stuff and they all just add to my sometimes so miserable existence.
Today I met up with someone after university. It wasn't a date, it was kinda just seeing if we were enjoying conversations as much in person as we did in text. Turns out we are. I'm far from any kinda serious feelings as we've only been talking for like three days, but it felt good to have someone who makes you laugh this much. I pretty much cracked up at every single thing he said, often even when he didn't say anything. Just super comfortable. Usually it takes me much longer to reveal this super silly side to people. It has both potential for a strengthening friendship and/or a relationship, hard to nail down which it's gonna be as of right now.
Sometimes I still feel as if me getting into a new relationship with actual physical contact (not just far distance stuff) is treason. I know how silly that is and I have no idea why this song is making me cry, but those thoughts sometimes just take over. Forgive me for my recent weaknesses. I'm stronger than this, I know. Thank you for reading, checking on me and maybe even caring. As soon as lectures start (tomorrow!) this'll end. I just finally need some routine in my life.