#22: Now for real. Finally.

This morning was extremely stressy although it was supposed to be my freetime cause I got the first two classes off. I woke up, really tired, eating, dressing up and leaving for the doctor to get my vaccination (my arm still hurts ; - ; ). While I was vaccinated, my mum realized she forgot my vaccination record. Genius mum. Got the vaccination nevertheless.
Our next tour was the bank to get money for medicaments. On our way back we stopped home, I ran in, got the record and we drove back to the doctor where I got a paper they missed to add as well (we waited a little too long). So we hurried to the car because it was almost time to go to school. But then we decided to get the medication first. We got them and hurried home, where Azu was already ready to go to school. Luckily she didn't go without me and waited patiently until I finished getting my stuff together. I think we never walked this fast before to school together. As always, we didn't speak a single word.
After school (I skipped lunch, yay!) and begging my brother to come with me, we went to the post office (to finally send the fucking medical documents. Done!!) and to the bank. We (only me, but we did it for him as well) needed to register our interest in our bankbook. My mum told me it was because the organisation send stuff for the scholarship and now she needed to send in my balance. Fuck, I'm really afraid that they'll ask for all the saved money there. It's not much. Less than 1/10 of the money the whole trip costs, but I basically saved this money there my whole life. Right, I could work to earn this stuff back, but I don't have time for this. Right now, I don't have any time to do a job. I mean I wouldn't even have many options because I'm still too young. Most jobs are simply for people >18. I really need to concentrate on school more, and doing a job after school won't help me with this at all. Money is nice and all, but education is what'll make me earn more money |D

#21: Finally!

Phew, so today I was visiting the doctor (hopefully the second last time) to get back my medical documents. Tomorrow I'm luckily free the first two classes, so I'll use this time to get a suggested vaccination and to post these documents. I'll pray that it'll arrive tomorrow and they won't kick my ass too much. I know I did shit with doing everything this late (and all of my doctors filled this out in German, not English as it was ordered OTL), but ohmygoddess, finally. After this, all that's left from the list will be the passport which I'll get on 5th November and send instantly.
I'm really glad the organisation is so super friendly but at the same time, this might be what's making me procrastinate (although I feel really guilty).
And then I have to hand in an application for exemption in school for the meeting in January. I better not do that too late.
A minor thing I have to do is to pick a notebook x'D My parents want to buy me one for Japan, but I don't really know which one. I want a coloured one. So no black, grey or white. Best would be pink. No, I don't like pink, but all my technical devices are pink and I want to continue that, just for fun. I already picked one actually, but I want certain graphics and so much stuff that the price'd be the one of a Mac. And my parents can't have that, can they? û.u So I said I'll sacrifice some of my saved money. But there's still time to go. So no need to hurry. First priority is other stuff!

#20: Forgot what happened

So it's been a while since I posted... I wanted to do it already 2 days ago, but then I procrastinated and what-not-so-on.
But to keep everything short: Everything for Japan is done except the medical documents. My doctor was bitching around (my mum complained much more than I did) and I really need to send them, but I can't earlier than Monday because obviously he didn't fill the stuff out yet and argh... Oh right, the passport, too. But I won't get it earlier than the 5th November.
School started being a bitch, but therefor my social life is going quite well. No, I'm NOT choosing social life over school, it just happens besides everything.
Things in my mind right now are a new notebook, Christmas and a surprise for a friend. (He he ❤)

Sorry if my post seems rather lame this time. I don't know, I'm kinda exhausted. More will follow soon anyway.
*crawls away*

#19: When you thought you did it...

When you thought you did it, got things done, the next hurdle pops up in front of you. But sometimes it just happens that you took too many of them during a short time, used the last but of your condition and just break down.
For me this always means tears. It might sound sad, but crying actually feels good for me. I don't have any other way to let go of all the feelings that start welling up inside me, so I'm doing it this way (unconsciously though). No matter how good it feels, to cry you have to have fallen very deep. Something (in my case my parents and also myself me) hurt you.
I learned from all this crying though. Never keep it to yourself. No matter how. Find a way to make yourself felt. Sometimes the simplest way is the best. I told a very important person how I felt. It touched me so much to see how hard this person tried to make me smile. Eventually it worked. It was only for a short moment and not strong, but I smiled. I'm an introverted person and I don't like to show my weakness like this to people, but if you really consider them as friends, don't hesitate.

My reason to cry is actually really stupid. Seriously, if somebody else told me this (or I saw a random post on a social network) I'd probably think by myself that this wouldn't be a reason to cry. But hey, sometimes I really am a crybaby. Gah, so after coming home I forced my family to finally take a family photo with me. I wanted to go print it instantly, but my mum said to me she'd go with the family's new dog to the vet first (I don't consider it as a pet, more a toy. But I'm no animal abuser, I'm still treating it right >:C ). I waited and waited and waited, getting more tired the more time passed. When the clock said 6 pm and the post office closed, my dad called me to tell me they'd get some gas for our car first before my mum'd go with me to get the photos. This was when my motivation sank.

• "No."
• "Why not?"
• "I'm tired and the post office closed already."
• "Oh, okay."

I have no idea why, but this killed me. I wanted to get things done, but didn't because my parents took so long. After saying bye for a nap to the friend, who'd save me later, I started crying in my bed. All this stress there'd still be... It was simply too much. I really wonder if I'm the only one who's overstrained by this. People, if you can't handle this, never apply for a year abroad. I might not be fit for the paper stuff, but I'm willing to survive for the experience I'll have later.
IT'LL BE FREAKING AWESOME.
...Ohmygoddess, the convention's already next weekend. Holy shit. And I think I'll wear no cosplay this time. What's wrong with me.

#18: Improvements all the way

After my teacher kicked my ass, I really saw that there were things I had to improve. It's hard for me to keep all of this up, but today I properly did my homework for tomorrow and finished it even before dinner time. Okay, yeah, it was just one homework (in English), but nevertheless so much better.
And now I even said goodnight to my friends so I could get more sleep (First I'll play a little more Pokémon, but not longer than midnight. Nope.).
Now I'll set goals as well for school. I know my progress will be slowly, but I saw what slacking off did to my grades. Nothing good. I could still pass classes with this but this is simply not enough. Universities are having a numerus clausus for Japanese studies so I need to work hard. It's good that I'll to repeat a year after I get back from Japan (my free will, I'm not THAT bad D: ).
I need to study more, not only for tests but also for a good, active cooperation during classes. My marks for this are really bad because I never raise my hand (...although I'm shy >.>). Then I need to spend more time on homework, do them properly and deep. And definitely more sleep, less procrastinating.
Motivation's there, I just need to fight my laziness. FIGHT!!

#17: All you need is a kick in the ass

What a sick day. Did homework until 1.30 a.m., played Pokémon Black 2  for another hour and got 4 hours of sleep in total. I knew I would do this as soon as school started and that's why I wanted more vacation.
No use, my mum woke me up at 6.30 a.m., I got up to get breakfast, got ready for school and eventually left  our flat with Azu-nyan. I had one class until I got two free classes. Well, 4 because my French teacher wasn't in school. (But I didn't learn that French dialogue, so fuck yeah >:D )
Normally I would have gone home, but Z-nee and me had an appointed talk with our tutor for some time. I told him everything, my non-existing motivation for school, my procrastination, my trip to Japan... He was very understanding, but strict at the same. He clearly told me that I should do better for my dreams, where I could get inspiration from and to get over my bad sleeping habit. I knew everything of it, but still this gave me the final kick. Then we went to my place and I did/finished German homework until we went back to school for the last three classes

Home for a not even few minutes mum and me went to the general practitioner to get the last stuff done - the medical documents. The doctor only took the documents and told me I should call Wednesday again, but at least that meant I'd get it done. After that I went somewhere else with my mum, but when I arrived at home, I started doing my homework. Not instantly and without breaks, but so much faster and more intensive than usually. That's my tutors work. But thanks to Ouji-kun as well. I appreciate your help so much ; v ;
Tomorrow I'll be back earlier, but I wanted to do a photo shooting with my brother and then I have to go to the physiologist. And don't forget about homework. (And it gets dark early, too! ; - ; ) Homework comes first though (Please, don't break my while, other selves. Please. For my own sake.).

#16: Step by step

Every time I get another mail, I can see Japan getting closer. Although I got a safe place in this program, it's still too unreal for me to actually realize it. But it's definitely going to happen.
The day after the last post I went to the town hall with my mum to get a passport for me. When we drew a number and sat down, my mum suddenly asked me whether I had the passport photos with me.

• "What? No, I don't! Why me?"
• "In this case we can leave."
• "Why am I supposed to think of everything?"

So yeah, we really went back home, got the photos and went there again. But we had a really bad argument on the first way back because her sarcasm (which I'd normally not take seriously) hurt me. Or rather it didn't hurt me, it pissed me of badly and so for a short moment, I took out my anger on her. It didn't get any better until we finally sat in the office and I was supposed to give my fingerprint. My mum, who didn't know you were supposed to do this, was amazed like a little child. And this is what made the tension-filled atmosphere loosen up. Luckily, really. With this done the first thing I did back home was going to bed. After another short night I needed more sleep. And I got enough of that, although I had a back headache when I woke up. (Cause is my spine and I'm even going to a physiologist.) After I woke up and my parents return, they had a letter for me from the organisation. It was full of information about the whole trip in general and as well facts about Japan. Was too much too read, so I didn't. Most important was the announcement for a preparation meeting in January which is necessary to attend. Talking to Master about this was like something hit me and I finally realized, that I'd really go to Japan. No easy way back, even if I wanted to.
Next and future goals I'll set myself until Japan: Send the documents until Wednesday, enjoy a certain anime convention in November (3 day ticket, yeeeees!), celebrate belated Christmas with the people I love and last but not least go to the preparation meeting and a Japan festival in January. Going step by step this way will keep me going, especially in school~

2 days since Pokémon Black & White 2 came out. My mum finally gave it to us yesterday. (She gets ALL the Pokémon games for my brother and me, but I didn't expect her to get it right on the release date.) But before she did, she made me do some of the chores, while I made them search a charm of me. It's a charm I had twice, but the second one disappeared mysteriously. Anyway, so although I would have to do lots of homework, I gave in and started playing Pokémon Black 2.

Great game, really, even better than the first, but gah... Why the fuck aren't the legendary Pokémon reverted this time as well? Why do I get a black Kyurem in the black edition? I just hate that. I loved Reshiram and all the other black exclusive Pokémon/locations (the Black Town! *^*) and now they made this. I mean I'll trade with my brother, who has White 2, anyway, but I just can't stop complaining about this. Never. But gftdhtrjwzjuk, N will be back in this game! *Q*

#15: About relief and personal rewards

Yesterday I got a call from a woman who works for the organisation I'm going to Japan with. She told me everything arrived and was really good (especially my letter for the host family! *^*) but she'd like to have a better photo of my family. The photo I sent showed us playing a board game together but you couldn't see the faces of everyone. The woman wanted to keep it though since it showed our family life very good. She suggested to send the other picture with the medical documents together and I told her this would be no problem. It wasn't after all (if you ignore the fact that we have no proper family picture and we had to take one, ahahaha).
But yeah, this was such a relief for me- Not only that it arrived in time but that it also was a good outcome. I'm proud of myself. It's bad that I procrastinated but my special skill - working under high pressure - only shows when the dead line is close. OTL

The evening I invited my brother to watch the movies with me. I already watched "In a Distant Time" earlier (seriously, I'd love to play the visual novel of it... Tenma, Tomomasa and Abe no Yasuaki were so... my favourites.) and well, for 2 episodes it was okay. They were only OVAs and the story may have been a little confusing, but it was nice. You can't make more out of dating games than that. But yeah, and I didn't want to watch Memoirs of a Geisha again although it's an awesome movie because I already saw it 3 times and my brother would probably think it's too boring, so we went for Gantz.
With crisps and drink and jellybabies we sat on top of the bunk bed in my room and watched the two Gantz movies in a row. Almost. Sometimes we made breaks so I could go and answer people on Skype >v<;; To summon it up: It was hella awesome. The last Japanese movie I watched with my brother was "Higanjima" (worst vampire movie ever) so we were sceptical since the movie was full of effects. But it turned out awesome and although I never watched the anime/read the manga I think it might have been very close. The effects were really good and my brother was flashed by the ending. I could imagine this already, but it was stunning nevertheless. One of the best live actions I've seen so far. (All the time I thought about Art class, like "Damn, I drew their suits wrong!")

And today, last thing for this post, my game arrived. It's nothing special, but to get the game boxed as new for only 3,42 € was worth it. It's pretty fun as well.

In the game you're playing the agents who are helping people who need... well, help. It's a rhythm game, so just tap on popping up numbers when the time has come for that. The first thing I thought of while playing this was "osu!" . Seriously, the same stuff. But it's a lot easier because of the smaller screen and hands are faster than computer mouses. I also thought that there would be some stupid game music, but it's real music. Sung by different artists, but still. There are songs like "Y.M.C.A", "Sk8er Boi", "Marterial Girl" and "I was born to love you". I was really amazed by that x'D I'm playing all of these via hi-fi and my brother is like: "Dude, now turn this shit off! >:C"
I will never stop ❤

P.S.: Since I know there are people watching: Got the message from the online store that the Christmas gifts were sent |3

#14: You have to love it.

Yeah, you should love the speed of the German post. I ordered two days ago, got a mail that it was sent yesterday and today it already arrived - my hot deal.

Just the DVDs. Envy already belongs to me for a loooong time.

So later that day I'll probably start watching the stuff (no need to watch "Memoirs of a Geisha" though, saw that awesome movie already 3 times >v<) and maybe even give a comment about that here. Because of Art class (right, Z-nee?) I'm really looking forward to see Gantz.
In any case my anime/Japanese movie shelf will be glad to have new friends. Hip hip hooray!
Yeah, this was totally worth two posts a day. Deal with it.

#13: I did it!

It was such a pain yesterday. I was basically on the road all the morning and afternoon. But I sent it and for now I can rest a little.

• Online form ✓
• Statement of agreement ✓
• Medical documents
• Letter for host family ✓
• Photos✓
• School documents ✓
• Passport copy

All the stuff that has to be sent via snail mail (except the medical documents) were sent yesterday. All the online stuff is uploaded as well, so now I just need to wait for next week when I can go to the doctor.

Goddammit, my mum paid 14€ for 6 passport photos.

A propos money. Since my other friend (not officially, but we won't go after all/now I can't anymore) canceled the shopping trip to Berlin, I threw myself in the arms of online shopping sites.

I made some really hot deals *^* There was for example this offer where you can buy 4 DVDs for 20€. Not just some random DVDs, no. If it was that way I'd never bought something. But those DVDs were anime/Japanese movies. And I bought

• Memoirs of a Geisha
• Gantz
• Gantz 2: Perfect Answer
• In a Distant Time

First three are movies/live actions while the last is some shoujo anime movie adaption from a video game. It's hard to find the real English title since it was never released there D:

Another thing I bought is a new game for my lonely DS. I mean I still have tons of unfinished games here, but not the motivation to play them. I stopped playing them for a reason after all. (THE FUCKING BOSS/whatever WAS TOO HARD.) The only games I play naturally are Dragon Quest IX, Pokémon (any DS title) and- Oh wait, that's it.

But that's still not it. On another site I also bought Christmas gifts. Yep, I'm crazy, but I didn't want to wait any longer (I bought gifts for 2 people. So at least 2 are still missing.) because it seemed like a good deal to me and who knows if they'd have had it still later... Can't wait to see their faces! This is definitely going to be the best Christmas vacation ever. There will be great gifts and great people. Haaaah, I just love my people. ❤

#12: Stress³

I deserve to go to hell for procrastinating so much.
Yesterday I finally decided ton intensively start filling out the stuff for Japan. Thanks to Master-chan for getting mad with me because of this, I feel like I needed that OTL
Anyway, so what is there to do?

• Online form 
• Statement of agreement ✓
• Medical documents
• Letter for host family ✓
• Photos
• School documents ✓
• Passport copy

All of them (except the online form) have to be sent in via snail mail, some (letter for the host family, photos) have to be uploaded online as well.
Photos are basically done, I just need to get 6 portrait photos of me. I don't have a passport yet, still need to make an application for this, but that doesn't need to be sent until tomorrow. Also I asked to send in the medical document later because  my appointment isn't earlier than next week and this week my doctor's on vacation (damn fate, really). My dentist already did his job (this morning I went there and got an examination ahead of time), all that's missing now is the long examination of the general practitioner. Last but not least the online form is no problem, only difficult thing for me is that it has to be filled out in English. My father for example has an occupation where there exists no English translation. But I'll get it done, no sweat. This is my dream after all and in order to fulfill it I even risk depression like yesterday.
I don't even know how it could happen, but I found myself suddenly almost crying and being terribly depressed after I worked for about 2 hours on this stuff.  But my mood got better when I called for a veeeery long time with a friend. Okay, you couldn't really call this a call/real conversation, but it made me really happy to hear at least his voice. Ha ha, the fan girl in me awoke when he talked to his friend. (It's obvious who's uke and who's seme.)
With that said, I'm off to do the last bit of my work. Okay, but not right now, but definitely today *^*
**HARDWORKER MODE ACTIVATED**
**INITIATE CLOSING OF ALL SHOPPING TABS IN BACKGROUND**

#11: Stalking the stalkers

Yaaay, so as expected, I stayed home all Saturday!
I woke up at 2 p.m., got dressed up, prepared an almost failing pizza (tasted awesome though) and rolled myself to my computer to talk all day with two friends, especially Ouji-kun. Really, I felt positive all the time. In contrast to my expectations I wasn't in a bad mood and that counts more than going out or anything >v<

And I played Dragon Quest IX all day. Seriously, I'll never get sick of that awesome piece of shit *Q* There's so much you can do after you beat the story. Like completing your alchemy stuff, explore caves with treasure maps, level up, getting all titles, missions... It's simply amazing. My characters are all named after my friends and my brother in real life. It's funny to see how the jobs fit them. Or not. I'm a luminary. I raise the concentration of other characters and disturb the enemies. Not sure if that's me XD
My next in the game is to complete mission 59. I have to get some shoes but they can only be collected in high ranked caves... I paused in a cave rank 74 because my brother with who I'm playing co-op went to bed. My characters are level 45, 72 and 66, so maybe it might be a little too high but tactic will always beat strength *^* If the difference between the levels isn't too high, that is.

Today after getting some sleep I'll definitely play some more. I love that I got into the game again because it consumes so much time and it keeps me busy. This could be some really nice holidays. I mean the start of next week will be stressful because I need to send the stuff for Japan (oh yes, still no reply about that. And my doctor is on vacation as well, this is really... Bad coincidence.) and do some homework but then it'll be the same again. Nothing to do, so yes, I count on my friends and video games X3 Like always.

About the title: I'm constantly watching the rising number of visits of my blog. It's funny. I mean I can see what pages linked to my blog, what words people searched for to get to my blog... Most people who are reading this are my friends/people I know in person. I know 3.
Just that you guys know: I CAN SEE YOU ❤

#10: Procrastinated too much

Ohmygoddess, just checked my online paper stuff for Japan again. All of these are due to 19th October. Worst part of it: I have to visit doctors and it's already Friday, means I can't go until Monday. Wednesday is the dead line and that means it has to arrive there already.
Filling out the rest is no problem, but the doctor stuff is what's worrying me. It's not just a simple paper, it's a fucking long one. And all has to be done Monday. I PROCRASTINATED WAY TOO MUCH. OTL
I just hope they won't cancel me from the program if I fail to send it in time ; - ;
Better gonna send an e-mail later to ask if that's the case... Sheesh, I could really bite my ass because of this.

So, today I stayed up until 5.30 in the morning, slept until my mum woke me up for lunch and went back to sleep until 3 p.m. It was really nice since I didn't know what to do anyway with my day.
Same for tomorrow. I wanted to meet up with a friend, but there wasn't a message yet when. I'll see tomorrow if we'll meet. If not, I'll spend a nice day online... Well, like everyday >v< Right, Ouji-kun~❤?

#9: Plans? What are you talking about?

Just a normal thought, after you wake up, get a call from a friend who cancels all the plan for tomorrow.
I am slightly angry about this although it's also my mistake for not replying to her. Anyway, so tomorrow will be an emo day. I'll be home alone and depressed and wondering, why my friends never talk to me.
That mood makes me want to reject any offer she... offers me. Canoe? Fuck it, bitch. Anything else? NOT WITH YOU. (At least not in these vacations.)
Oh yes, my friends and me.
Gah, that's why I don't like to see myself angry. I'm wonderfully stupid when I am.

Meaningless post of the day.

#8: Nevermind

Nevermind, I simply won't post if there isn't anything interesting going on. Yesterday I was just staying home, watching gamers play horror games and playing Dragon Quest IX myself.
Since I won't be able to post anything this evening, I decided to do it now.
I'll visit Z-nee and we'll do the same things as usual: YouTube, shooting  zombies, watching anime, discuss about our stories, pairings and whatever. The food her parents make is delicious >v<

Oh, and I'm an animal enemy obviously. My mum just called me that. Yay!
All because I dislike their new dog.

"Can't you be happy for your dad?" she said.

Well... No? Besides the fact that it's a dog and not a cat (I admit it's selfish to force the wish to have a cat on everyone else) they lied to me. I haven't told them my honest feelings and what I really think about this but that wouldn't change a thing anyway. Gah, it's making me really... want to cry when I think about this. Thanks goddess my beloved Z-nee will put me into a better mood ; v ;

#7: Back to routine

Hopefully ; ³ ;
When Z-nee said today

You won't be able to keep up with the daily routine of your blog anyway. Soon it'll be 3 days, then 4, then 5...

it was kinda depressing me XD The truth hurts.
I know I'll be busy sometimes, but I really want to do it >.< It's a good waste of time as well. I'm bored quite often, might help.

So, what happened today? Today I went back to tennis training after a break of one month. I started playing because of Prince of Tennis. So of course I got really bad and *sigh*... It was so depressing. But as soon as I started heading back, I was suddenly in an awesome mood. Singing, smiling, looking forward to get home to talk to my beloved ones.
Somehow I'm really relieved that I'll quit tennis at the end of this year. (I'm in a tennis club and you have to pay a year in advance. So 3 months - in March I'll go to Japan - wouldn't be worth it.) I used to have fun but now I want to try out other things. Why is sleeping no sport?
I really want to play volleyball in Japan. It has always been my favourite sports in P.E. class, now I want to try it out professional. Get better in Japan and return to surprise everyone in Germany. My plan!
Some of you might wonder why I'm not trying out some cool Japanese kind of sports like Kendo, Aikido or whatever... Who knows, ahahaha XD I used to train Taekwondo (for 6 years), so maybe I'll return to martial arts, although I never thought of doing so. There's enough time~