#57: I've come a long way

May. May was my last entry.
Well, let's rewind:

Graduation
University application
University permit
Sad phase
Recovery
Moving
Start of university

Been rough 5 months but I'm finally where I wanted to be more or less: In university. I met new people although I have no idea if they will be only temporarily like my love life, am studying what I wanted to study in the first place (Major: Modern Japan, Minor: American studies and English literature) and I'm kinda learning to take care of myself. Still got a long way to go.
Truth be told, sometimes I have those moments where I wished for nothing more but going back home and being in my own bed, safe and sound from all this annoying stuff like housemates, being around crowds in university and stress in general. I want to hug my dog more than anything.
As you can hear, I'm currently feeling a little down - with too much time on my hands I reflect too much about the past and start missing things, but as soon as lectures actually start, stress'll probably take over instead, ahaha.
Don't get me wrong, I like this new life I'm having, it gives me a chance to find out more about myself. More than ever, I feel like I needed that so badly. Although directions were existent, maybe a clear path will form itself now.
The journey is continuing.

#56: Back and stable!

After the last post many probably thought that I was going to spread sadness for the next few posts a.k.a. weeks. I honestly thought so myself. It scared me, thinking I was gonna feel depressed and miserable for the next few days, maybe even weeks although I've been doing so good the past few months. But looking back at the last two days, all the negativity seems to be gone and I couldn't be happier about it.
Reasons? Let's take a look.

Thursday was actually just as shitty as Wednesday. Someone important to me said something and I overreacted. I was just so furious, I probably would have slapped that person across the face if it wasn't for that someone texting and not talking to me face-to-face. No, not my mum. Not again. Additionally to that it turned out that my other close friend can't make it to my birthday next week. University across the country makes it impossible for her to come over for a weekend. I absolutely understand that, yet it made me sad.

That was until I started texting with my best friend Z-nee. We discussed a little about what to do and where to go for my birthday, but soon enough the topic switched over to the one and only MMO we both play: Dragon Nest. (That said, don't overestimate me. It is the only MMORPG I play because I just love the system and I haven't found any MMORPG that worked similarly and caught my interest, but my characters are still far from reaching the highest level possible. I don't play enough for that... I like to believe I have a life, even if I don't.)

After I finished dinner I joined her in the game and we played for like 4 hours straight and trained our low-level characters to their first class specialization. That's the most fun part in the game, even if the story and dungeons for each character is very repetitive. After that, leveling up of course takes a lot more time, so it feels very tedious to me. However. with new equipment (that looks different on the character) you actually have a goal in the game and playing with friends makes it much more enjoyable anyway.

This was the start of it. As soon as I woke up on Friday which was right before lunch time so technically after lunch and not right after getting up I sat down in front of my computer and played Dragon Nest without a break until the late evening. At some point Z-nee joined me again for about three hours. After she quit the game I followed her.

Yes, the silver lining didn't happen, didn't meet him because of reasons, but we talked about some stuff and got that out of our way. Everything was back to normal.

Saturday was quite similar. I slept like shit because of my spine and tried to go back to sleep although I woke up like every hour, but the day started good. After lunch I got right back into the game. Guess who thought just alike? Yep. We ended up playing together for 3 ½ hours again and my main character leveled up two levels (57→59). Level cap is for a few days 70, then it gets raised to 80, so I've gotta try harder.

It wasn't only this silly game that made my days this amazing. Additionally to that I was also constantly accompanied by great music as I kept listening to the same radio station all day. (This is no advertising. I'm in love with Vocaloid and this is the best thing for me.) Furthermore I made appointments with the friend I'm not going to see on my birthday celebration, picked up Love Live again (Whenever I miss one day of an Event, I stop playing because I'm too afraid to look at my dropped rank... That continues for weeks until Z-nee randomly mentions new members and songs.) and well... Silver lining said some very charming things today. This is by no way usual for him, so it caught me off guard. At this point I realized that I am after all the type of girl to screenshot messages that are dear to me. I hate this, but I love it so much. As a result I ended up crying. I was just so overflowed by all the happiness that I couldn't contain the feelings.

Can we talk about how weird crying due to happiness actually is? It is truly satisfying, yes, but what's weird about it is the face you make. One screws up eyes and eyebrows and mouth adopt a rather sad looking pose. To me, this gloomy expression doesn't fit happiness. However, after releasing all of this by crying, one feels better. Still happy and with more self-control again. Until happiness takes over again I guess.

And that concludes my little presentation on my happy and calm days. I wish to continue my life like this. All I have to do is remind myself to take a break when I am in rage and cool down, out of reach from other people so I can't do any harm. After all, it doesn't take much. I have video games, music tea, a comfortable bed that basically just wanting me to sleep all day and amazing friends who I can absolutely rely on - more than I actually think I can.

I'm especially grateful for Z-nee's presence these days, but also a little proud of myself for not wallowing in self-pity and instead getting back on my feet. Gonna keep this up ♥

Envy-chan, over and out!

#55: Just venting [UPDATE]

Sometimes it's really hard to smile. Before I can actually fight the negative feelings, just more and more bad stuff comes rushing in and it gets to me. It just fucking gets to me.
It's been a while since I've cried because I couldn't bear all these feelings, but I did today. Thrice.

I didn't really sleep well because I woke up a lot and always had a hard time falling asleep. On one hand was my mind occupied with positive thoughts (too excited to sleep) and on the other hand was my dog creeping in and out of my bed whenever people left the house for work/school. When I woke up at lunch time, I was all alone. After a shower I cooked lunch (instant soup - that's as far as my cooking skill goes), fed the dog and took her for a walk my mum came home and asked me if I wanted to accompany her to grocery shopping. Yes, I did. However, before we went there, she had to go somewhere else. In the meantime I was supposed to check fridge and whatever for missing stuff and write it on the grocery list. I really had no idea what to look for, so I just wrote the stuff on the list she told me before leaving.
That's basically how stuff started. In the department store she kept telling me how I should have checked for shit we needed, because this way she just ended up running back and forth since we forgot stuff I didn't write.
The mood got worse when I pushed the heavy cart out of the store. It was really heavy and hard to push - my mum didn't even bother helping me, she just got really fucking pissed at me when I pushed the cart to her. She yelled at me for not having enough strength and not having enough experience because I don't keep the house and know how to do things.
We didn't talk at all during the drive back home. I refused to sit next to her and instead sat in the back. As soon as we were home and brought the groceries inside without saying a word she just left with the car. That was when I received a text from her saying if I didn't go to the employment agency on Monday I wouldn't receive pocket money anymore.
Yes, she just threatened me like that via text. Instead of saying it right to my face she texted it. The most underhand way to do stuff like that.
That's what brought me to tears.
I didn't even get a little appreciation for going with her. She just noted down all the negative stuff and when her rage reached the highest level, she wanted to punish me because seeing others suffer makes her feel better.
Don't get me wrong. I love my mum, but when she acts like a twat like this I just really wish I wasn't her daughter.
She doesn't know that I'm ready to finish therapy this summer and she doesn't know that at this rate it's gonna be another year till I'm ready for that.
Heh, I know I'm not a single bit better than her. I mean, what am I doing here? Complaining in text and insulting her in the worst ways possible instead of telling her. I really couldn't care less right now though. Being related by blood doesn't give one the right to treat others like that. Blood doesn't keep me from cutting ties with someone. Geez, my whole family (as in, relatives) is broken apart. Aunts and uncles and cousins I never talked to/don't talk to anymore because my parents got in a huge dispute with them.
There was also another thing that added to all of this shit, but it's somehow harder to explain so I won't even bother until I figured out what my problem with that douche is.

Now I'm gonna concentrate on crying out the last bit of sadness and focus on Friday when I'm gonna see him, my silver lining, again. [insert rainbows and glitter and hearts and other gay bullshit]


♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫

Update: My mum just came to check on me. She just randomly asked if I was okay and whether I calmed down. I was kinda shocked by the fact that she just got over it this quickly although she had treated me like that. I just ignored her.
"You've always been good at ignoring people.", she then said. "Come on, smile!"
I hate it when people do that. It always makes you grin although you're not in the mood for that. And I did.
"Now leave!", I said though and put my pokerface back on very quickly.

I also added enumerations to every post title because it looks much better with the number of each post. To do that I had to click every single post seperately though, so I also deleted pictures that weren't working anymore because I dumbass deleted them at one point from my Google cloud thingy.

Last but not least? I love you so much, Z-nee ;_____; WILL YOU MARRY ME?! XD *wink wink wink insider joke*

#54: Quick life update

Urgh I'm still so intrigued by my American reader who uses Firefox. Y U no reveal yourself?!

Yeah, got random InsaniTees for my brother and me but look, this blog isn't just to review Qwertee shirts, as much as I would love it to be. The quality's always the same, it's just the design that changes. No pics this time, just wanted to mention that my brother got a Cheshire Cat one, I got Indiana Mouse. After my first InsaniTee experience (the Pokémon tees) I was actually disappointed, but hey, that's the risk of ordering a random (but therefore cheap) shirt. Brown isn't really a colour I like to wear and I'm not a big fan of Indiana Jones (I don't dislike it, just never watched a thing so I never got into it), but it's kinda cute the more I think about it.

Anyway, what else happened in my life in the past month?
Exams mostly. A-Level examinations. All the written exams are now done, I just need to return all my school books and have the final oral exam in about two weeks. But before that happens, I'm going to "vacation". Vacation as in seeing a reeeeeally good friend who lives across the country and going to concerts (together). Like seriously, I'm so excited to see two out of my four favourite bands/singers within two days ♥
Also, remember the date I mentioned? A second one with the same guy happened and that apparently marks now the date we became a couple. As much as I would love going into details... from experience I know that making stuff like this public results in a break-up. Not because of the fact that I shared that, but because I was kinda calling for it. Twitter doesn't count, amirite?
I'll just see where this experience is gonna take me. If it makes me stay here after all, then that's that. All I know is that I really enjoy this despite our differences and that's what love's about, right?

Well, back to doing nothing all day now.

#53: Level of stress > 9000

Easter vacation were so relaxing~! A time during which I enjoyed being lazy and doing nothing at all. In other words, I watched YouTube all day (sadly I mean it in a literal way) and stuffed myself with my Easter chocolate. I've been wanting to catch up with my whole subscription box, but as I couldn't scroll down 2 months of YouTube time, I decided on just catching up with the gameplays of my favourite YouTuber.
I also got a unicorn shirt from Übertee, a subsidiary of Qwertee. Its print is The Last Unicorn, a very important memory of my childhood, so I couldn't keep myself from buying this wonderful shirt.

After Easter, a short wave of panic overcame me. I decided on doing a little research on Australian universities since I wanted to go there; The requirements almost made me cry. Not because they were impossible to meet, no. It was because of the English proficiency test I had to take. Obviously TOEFL was the best choice and taking it on C1 should be pretty easy, especially since I only had to pass with a B, but fuck my life is that shit expensive. 245$ for that test. Despite my optimism about passing, it's such a scarily high number. If I didn't pass, the money'd be wasted.

Even if I passed, I still needed money for the flight and for a lot of other different expenses this life would cost me.

The next morning, all the trouble seemed to be unimportant and I was pretty calm about things. Sure, it was still necessary for me to get a job, but that is and will only be a little hurdle in my life. I achieved far greater things so far.

Enough about the future, what about the present? It's now my last week of school. It's a usual custom for local students of my grade to have a themed week. Everyday has a different topic and we dress up differently during each day and go to school like that. Yesterday's theme was "First Day Of School", means we all dressed up like first graders in elementary school. Of course people kept staring at me like I was some kind of weirdo while I walked to school. Me with my satchel.

Tomorrow's theme is "Rich and Poor" in a special localized theme. You gotta imagine that here people who don't earn enough/are unemployed receive money from the government. That package of money has a certain name and that's our "poor". So, I'm gonna dress up like a bitch with make-up like I fell into the make-up case of my mother. I'm so excited, nobody's gonna expect me to look like that. It's going to be especially funny if I walk into Math class in the morning as the last person like usual. All eyes on me, bitches! lol joke I'm actually avoiding people taking photos of me because I'm afraid of getting published somewhere online.

After that week, final exams start. I'm pretty optimistic about the exams in English and my native language, however, Biology and Geography might become a problem. Studying might do the trick though... In case I overcome my laziness and procrastination~

So yeah, the headline for the blog was irony. I'm too relaxed to stress out now. I have no idea where this relaxation is coming from, but I dig it. Might be my grave though! Get it? Dig my own grave? Ahahahahahaha I suck.

There are actually more interesting stories about my life, such as a certain date I had last Saturday, but for now I prefer not recalling it. It was a first and very spontaneous date, so there was absolutely no romance included. Pretty formal, yet awkward as fuck because of my personality. Working on it though. Or not.

If it comes to love, I'm going with fate, as I'm supposed to.