#60: A weekly routine

Happy New Year and all!
Since my last post in November I kinda got into a certain schedule. One that's the same every week. Having a routine like that helps securing my happiness. Knowing where I have to be, what's up next even in my free time - simply the knowledge that there's a place I have. (No, the journey to find my self is still ongoing.) Looking back at my first months here in this new environment it's clear that this is exactly what I needed.

While I have university Monday to Friday, my weekend is fairly free and I pretty much spent it with lots of sleeping, eating, binge watching shows (Finished Season 3 of Orange is the new Black last weekend. Great show, despite being so hyped and mainstream! Recently I started Prison Break... Notice a certain pattern?) and cuddling. When I get home on Sunday evenings I'm usually pretty exhausted despite the relaxed weekend. Anyone know this feeling? During my free periods in university I usually have lunch and/or wash the laundry. Depending on the amount I do it twice a week. (Not eating, of course! I do that three times a day, duh. Unless I oversleep. Like I did last Friday. First time in forever...) Monday's also my grocery shopping day. If necessary, I go to the stores on other days, but usually I plan the food menu for the entire week and buy all I need.

You may have expected more than this, but this is honestly all I do during the week. Sure, I have free time and it's not like I do nothing, but after having a long and exhausting day of university just lying down and watching stuff is so relaxing. Thursday and Friday are my shortest days, so if I go out, it's then. The other week I went to the show of my favourite comedian on a Thursday evening and it was so fantastic that I bought two tickets for another show in May. Next time I'll be going with someone else though so I can insider joke about everything. Yes, I can laugh about the same jokes twice, otherwise I wouldn't be going again ahaha What I also sometimes do in my free time is going to the shopping mall to buy yet another skirt or manga, karaoke or even the emergency because I randomly got a middle finger contusion. Fun times. Can't even play Dragon Nest or check out Blade and Soul due to my bandaged middle finger. I mean, WASD is impossible when the touch hurts. (It works like that, right?) At least I'm able to play mobile games. Currently I'm playing Unison League, メルティメイデン, Dream Girlfriend, ホストのアブナイ世界 and Happy Pet Story. Now you may have noticed that Love Live! isn't noted despite me formerly writing about it in every blog post. But, the fact that I stopped playing is quite involuntarily. After not having played for a while I wanted to pick it up again - an in-game notification said, I wouldn't be able to play unless I updated the game via iPad. However, going there, there was no possible update to be found. That's when I knew I wouldn't be able to play again... Because I used to play Love Live! on my iPad... First generation, doesn't go beyond iOs 5.1.1., update required a higher iOs. I didn't even get the chance to get an account transfer code thingy, so even if I played in my phone, I would have to restart. Since I don't want to degrade from a tablet to a phone screen though, it's just not going to happen. Goodbye, beloved waifus and hello Love Live! free but not love free life.

#59: Boo ya

Some days ago I came across text messages to a friend from two years ago. Back then I was having really bad depressions and every single of my messages stressed how bad I was feeling. It's ridiculous how much I was crying out for help without really receiving any until I went to a psychologist.
It made me glad to see that the depressions I've been having since I moved are smaller ones compared to those days. However, this of course does not mean that I will treat them any less important. If I don't feel well it's hard to focus after all.
Just the other day I was attending a lecture. Although I sat next to someone from my clique, I felt so socially isolated at that moment that I just wanted to fade away. I even considered going to the campus psychologist, although I was hoping so badly that I wouldn't need him/her

Luckily, things changed these past days. I've been talking much more with fellow students (especially with my clique, but also the students I sit next to during my language course) and boom, magic. Despite still feeling isolated at times (I wanted to go to a Halloween party the other day just for the sake of dressing up, but figures I had no friends to go with and canceled it), I've been so happy these past days.
I'm still having troubles sleeping, but it's no longer because I'm close to tears and reflecting on the past too much. No, it's because I'm so excited for the future and daydreaming about possible events. Geez, I'm a freshman at university and there's so much to do, so much to experience! (Hitting on a certain cute guy is definitely one of them and it seems to be working since it's mutual.)

Happy Envy-chan over and out! ❤

#58: A long-needed laugh

Ever since Wednesday things got better. Mostly. I had another breakdown yesterday, but quickly recovered. Sleep always does this magic thing, plus I had great people with me.
My problem is that I get super easily hung up on small things. Once it sets the ball rolling it's very hard not to find more unnerving stuff and they all just add to my sometimes so miserable existence.
Today I met up with someone after university. It wasn't a date, it was kinda just seeing if we were enjoying conversations as much in person as we did in text. Turns out we are. I'm far from any kinda serious feelings as we've only been talking for like three days, but it felt good to have someone who makes you laugh this much. I pretty much cracked up at every single thing he said, often even when he didn't say anything. Just super comfortable. Usually it takes me much longer to reveal this super silly side to people. It has both potential for a strengthening friendship and/or a relationship, hard to nail down which it's gonna be as of right now.
Sometimes I still feel as if me getting into a new relationship with actual physical contact (not just far distance stuff) is treason. I know how silly that is and I have no idea why this song is making me cry, but those thoughts sometimes just take over. Forgive me for my recent weaknesses. I'm stronger than this, I know. Thank you for reading, checking on me and maybe even caring. As soon as lectures start (tomorrow!) this'll end. I just finally need some routine in my life.

#57: I've come a long way

May. May was my last entry.
Well, let's rewind:

Graduation
University application
University permit
Sad phase
Recovery
Moving
Start of university

Been rough 5 months but I'm finally where I wanted to be more or less: In university. I met new people although I have no idea if they will be only temporarily like my love life, am studying what I wanted to study in the first place (Major: Modern Japan, Minor: American studies and English literature) and I'm kinda learning to take care of myself. Still got a long way to go.
Truth be told, sometimes I have those moments where I wished for nothing more but going back home and being in my own bed, safe and sound from all this annoying stuff like housemates, being around crowds in university and stress in general. I want to hug my dog more than anything.
As you can hear, I'm currently feeling a little down - with too much time on my hands I reflect too much about the past and start missing things, but as soon as lectures actually start, stress'll probably take over instead, ahaha.
Don't get me wrong, I like this new life I'm having, it gives me a chance to find out more about myself. More than ever, I feel like I needed that so badly. Although directions were existent, maybe a clear path will form itself now.
The journey is continuing.

#56: Back and stable!

After the last post many probably thought that I was going to spread sadness for the next few posts a.k.a. weeks. I honestly thought so myself. It scared me, thinking I was gonna feel depressed and miserable for the next few days, maybe even weeks although I've been doing so good the past few months. But looking back at the last two days, all the negativity seems to be gone and I couldn't be happier about it.
Reasons? Let's take a look.

Thursday was actually just as shitty as Wednesday. Someone important to me said something and I overreacted. I was just so furious, I probably would have slapped that person across the face if it wasn't for that someone texting and not talking to me face-to-face. No, not my mum. Not again. Additionally to that it turned out that my other close friend can't make it to my birthday next week. University across the country makes it impossible for her to come over for a weekend. I absolutely understand that, yet it made me sad.

That was until I started texting with my best friend Z-nee. We discussed a little about what to do and where to go for my birthday, but soon enough the topic switched over to the one and only MMO we both play: Dragon Nest. (That said, don't overestimate me. It is the only MMORPG I play because I just love the system and I haven't found any MMORPG that worked similarly and caught my interest, but my characters are still far from reaching the highest level possible. I don't play enough for that... I like to believe I have a life, even if I don't.)

After I finished dinner I joined her in the game and we played for like 4 hours straight and trained our low-level characters to their first class specialization. That's the most fun part in the game, even if the story and dungeons for each character is very repetitive. After that, leveling up of course takes a lot more time, so it feels very tedious to me. However. with new equipment (that looks different on the character) you actually have a goal in the game and playing with friends makes it much more enjoyable anyway.

This was the start of it. As soon as I woke up on Friday which was right before lunch time so technically after lunch and not right after getting up I sat down in front of my computer and played Dragon Nest without a break until the late evening. At some point Z-nee joined me again for about three hours. After she quit the game I followed her.

Yes, the silver lining didn't happen, didn't meet him because of reasons, but we talked about some stuff and got that out of our way. Everything was back to normal.

Saturday was quite similar. I slept like shit because of my spine and tried to go back to sleep although I woke up like every hour, but the day started good. After lunch I got right back into the game. Guess who thought just alike? Yep. We ended up playing together for 3 ½ hours again and my main character leveled up two levels (57→59). Level cap is for a few days 70, then it gets raised to 80, so I've gotta try harder.

It wasn't only this silly game that made my days this amazing. Additionally to that I was also constantly accompanied by great music as I kept listening to the same radio station all day. (This is no advertising. I'm in love with Vocaloid and this is the best thing for me.) Furthermore I made appointments with the friend I'm not going to see on my birthday celebration, picked up Love Live again (Whenever I miss one day of an Event, I stop playing because I'm too afraid to look at my dropped rank... That continues for weeks until Z-nee randomly mentions new members and songs.) and well... Silver lining said some very charming things today. This is by no way usual for him, so it caught me off guard. At this point I realized that I am after all the type of girl to screenshot messages that are dear to me. I hate this, but I love it so much. As a result I ended up crying. I was just so overflowed by all the happiness that I couldn't contain the feelings.

Can we talk about how weird crying due to happiness actually is? It is truly satisfying, yes, but what's weird about it is the face you make. One screws up eyes and eyebrows and mouth adopt a rather sad looking pose. To me, this gloomy expression doesn't fit happiness. However, after releasing all of this by crying, one feels better. Still happy and with more self-control again. Until happiness takes over again I guess.

And that concludes my little presentation on my happy and calm days. I wish to continue my life like this. All I have to do is remind myself to take a break when I am in rage and cool down, out of reach from other people so I can't do any harm. After all, it doesn't take much. I have video games, music tea, a comfortable bed that basically just wanting me to sleep all day and amazing friends who I can absolutely rely on - more than I actually think I can.

I'm especially grateful for Z-nee's presence these days, but also a little proud of myself for not wallowing in self-pity and instead getting back on my feet. Gonna keep this up ♥

Envy-chan, over and out!