#59: Boo ya

Some days ago I came across text messages to a friend from two years ago. Back then I was having really bad depressions and every single of my messages stressed how bad I was feeling. It's ridiculous how much I was crying out for help without really receiving any until I went to a psychologist.
It made me glad to see that the depressions I've been having since I moved are smaller ones compared to those days. However, this of course does not mean that I will treat them any less important. If I don't feel well it's hard to focus after all.
Just the other day I was attending a lecture. Although I sat next to someone from my clique, I felt so socially isolated at that moment that I just wanted to fade away. I even considered going to the campus psychologist, although I was hoping so badly that I wouldn't need him/her

Luckily, things changed these past days. I've been talking much more with fellow students (especially with my clique, but also the students I sit next to during my language course) and boom, magic. Despite still feeling isolated at times (I wanted to go to a Halloween party the other day just for the sake of dressing up, but figures I had no friends to go with and canceled it), I've been so happy these past days.
I'm still having troubles sleeping, but it's no longer because I'm close to tears and reflecting on the past too much. No, it's because I'm so excited for the future and daydreaming about possible events. Geez, I'm a freshman at university and there's so much to do, so much to experience! (Hitting on a certain cute guy is definitely one of them and it seems to be working since it's mutual.)

Happy Envy-chan over and out! ❤

#58: A long-needed laugh

Ever since Wednesday things got better. Mostly. I had another breakdown yesterday, but quickly recovered. Sleep always does this magic thing, plus I had great people with me.
My problem is that I get super easily hung up on small things. Once it sets the ball rolling it's very hard not to find more unnerving stuff and they all just add to my sometimes so miserable existence.
Today I met up with someone after university. It wasn't a date, it was kinda just seeing if we were enjoying conversations as much in person as we did in text. Turns out we are. I'm far from any kinda serious feelings as we've only been talking for like three days, but it felt good to have someone who makes you laugh this much. I pretty much cracked up at every single thing he said, often even when he didn't say anything. Just super comfortable. Usually it takes me much longer to reveal this super silly side to people. It has both potential for a strengthening friendship and/or a relationship, hard to nail down which it's gonna be as of right now.
Sometimes I still feel as if me getting into a new relationship with actual physical contact (not just far distance stuff) is treason. I know how silly that is and I have no idea why this song is making me cry, but those thoughts sometimes just take over. Forgive me for my recent weaknesses. I'm stronger than this, I know. Thank you for reading, checking on me and maybe even caring. As soon as lectures start (tomorrow!) this'll end. I just finally need some routine in my life.

#57: I've come a long way

May. May was my last entry.
Well, let's rewind:

Graduation
University application
University permit
Sad phase
Recovery
Moving
Start of university

Been rough 5 months but I'm finally where I wanted to be more or less: In university. I met new people although I have no idea if they will be only temporarily like my love life, am studying what I wanted to study in the first place (Major: Modern Japan, Minor: American studies and English literature) and I'm kinda learning to take care of myself. Still got a long way to go.
Truth be told, sometimes I have those moments where I wished for nothing more but going back home and being in my own bed, safe and sound from all this annoying stuff like housemates, being around crowds in university and stress in general. I want to hug my dog more than anything.
As you can hear, I'm currently feeling a little down - with too much time on my hands I reflect too much about the past and start missing things, but as soon as lectures actually start, stress'll probably take over instead, ahaha.
Don't get me wrong, I like this new life I'm having, it gives me a chance to find out more about myself. More than ever, I feel like I needed that so badly. Although directions were existent, maybe a clear path will form itself now.
The journey is continuing.

#56: Back and stable!

After the last post many probably thought that I was going to spread sadness for the next few posts a.k.a. weeks. I honestly thought so myself. It scared me, thinking I was gonna feel depressed and miserable for the next few days, maybe even weeks although I've been doing so good the past few months. But looking back at the last two days, all the negativity seems to be gone and I couldn't be happier about it.
Reasons? Let's take a look.

Thursday was actually just as shitty as Wednesday. Someone important to me said something and I overreacted. I was just so furious, I probably would have slapped that person across the face if it wasn't for that someone texting and not talking to me face-to-face. No, not my mum. Not again. Additionally to that it turned out that my other close friend can't make it to my birthday next week. University across the country makes it impossible for her to come over for a weekend. I absolutely understand that, yet it made me sad.

That was until I started texting with my best friend Z-nee. We discussed a little about what to do and where to go for my birthday, but soon enough the topic switched over to the one and only MMO we both play: Dragon Nest. (That said, don't overestimate me. It is the only MMORPG I play because I just love the system and I haven't found any MMORPG that worked similarly and caught my interest, but my characters are still far from reaching the highest level possible. I don't play enough for that... I like to believe I have a life, even if I don't.)

After I finished dinner I joined her in the game and we played for like 4 hours straight and trained our low-level characters to their first class specialization. That's the most fun part in the game, even if the story and dungeons for each character is very repetitive. After that, leveling up of course takes a lot more time, so it feels very tedious to me. However. with new equipment (that looks different on the character) you actually have a goal in the game and playing with friends makes it much more enjoyable anyway.

This was the start of it. As soon as I woke up on Friday which was right before lunch time so technically after lunch and not right after getting up I sat down in front of my computer and played Dragon Nest without a break until the late evening. At some point Z-nee joined me again for about three hours. After she quit the game I followed her.

Yes, the silver lining didn't happen, didn't meet him because of reasons, but we talked about some stuff and got that out of our way. Everything was back to normal.

Saturday was quite similar. I slept like shit because of my spine and tried to go back to sleep although I woke up like every hour, but the day started good. After lunch I got right back into the game. Guess who thought just alike? Yep. We ended up playing together for 3 ½ hours again and my main character leveled up two levels (57→59). Level cap is for a few days 70, then it gets raised to 80, so I've gotta try harder.

It wasn't only this silly game that made my days this amazing. Additionally to that I was also constantly accompanied by great music as I kept listening to the same radio station all day. (This is no advertising. I'm in love with Vocaloid and this is the best thing for me.) Furthermore I made appointments with the friend I'm not going to see on my birthday celebration, picked up Love Live again (Whenever I miss one day of an Event, I stop playing because I'm too afraid to look at my dropped rank... That continues for weeks until Z-nee randomly mentions new members and songs.) and well... Silver lining said some very charming things today. This is by no way usual for him, so it caught me off guard. At this point I realized that I am after all the type of girl to screenshot messages that are dear to me. I hate this, but I love it so much. As a result I ended up crying. I was just so overflowed by all the happiness that I couldn't contain the feelings.

Can we talk about how weird crying due to happiness actually is? It is truly satisfying, yes, but what's weird about it is the face you make. One screws up eyes and eyebrows and mouth adopt a rather sad looking pose. To me, this gloomy expression doesn't fit happiness. However, after releasing all of this by crying, one feels better. Still happy and with more self-control again. Until happiness takes over again I guess.

And that concludes my little presentation on my happy and calm days. I wish to continue my life like this. All I have to do is remind myself to take a break when I am in rage and cool down, out of reach from other people so I can't do any harm. After all, it doesn't take much. I have video games, music tea, a comfortable bed that basically just wanting me to sleep all day and amazing friends who I can absolutely rely on - more than I actually think I can.

I'm especially grateful for Z-nee's presence these days, but also a little proud of myself for not wallowing in self-pity and instead getting back on my feet. Gonna keep this up ♥

Envy-chan, over and out!

#55: Just venting [UPDATE]

Sometimes it's really hard to smile. Before I can actually fight the negative feelings, just more and more bad stuff comes rushing in and it gets to me. It just fucking gets to me.
It's been a while since I've cried because I couldn't bear all these feelings, but I did today. Thrice.

I didn't really sleep well because I woke up a lot and always had a hard time falling asleep. On one hand was my mind occupied with positive thoughts (too excited to sleep) and on the other hand was my dog creeping in and out of my bed whenever people left the house for work/school. When I woke up at lunch time, I was all alone. After a shower I cooked lunch (instant soup - that's as far as my cooking skill goes), fed the dog and took her for a walk my mum came home and asked me if I wanted to accompany her to grocery shopping. Yes, I did. However, before we went there, she had to go somewhere else. In the meantime I was supposed to check fridge and whatever for missing stuff and write it on the grocery list. I really had no idea what to look for, so I just wrote the stuff on the list she told me before leaving.
That's basically how stuff started. In the department store she kept telling me how I should have checked for shit we needed, because this way she just ended up running back and forth since we forgot stuff I didn't write.
The mood got worse when I pushed the heavy cart out of the store. It was really heavy and hard to push - my mum didn't even bother helping me, she just got really fucking pissed at me when I pushed the cart to her. She yelled at me for not having enough strength and not having enough experience because I don't keep the house and know how to do things.
We didn't talk at all during the drive back home. I refused to sit next to her and instead sat in the back. As soon as we were home and brought the groceries inside without saying a word she just left with the car. That was when I received a text from her saying if I didn't go to the employment agency on Monday I wouldn't receive pocket money anymore.
Yes, she just threatened me like that via text. Instead of saying it right to my face she texted it. The most underhand way to do stuff like that.
That's what brought me to tears.
I didn't even get a little appreciation for going with her. She just noted down all the negative stuff and when her rage reached the highest level, she wanted to punish me because seeing others suffer makes her feel better.
Don't get me wrong. I love my mum, but when she acts like a twat like this I just really wish I wasn't her daughter.
She doesn't know that I'm ready to finish therapy this summer and she doesn't know that at this rate it's gonna be another year till I'm ready for that.
Heh, I know I'm not a single bit better than her. I mean, what am I doing here? Complaining in text and insulting her in the worst ways possible instead of telling her. I really couldn't care less right now though. Being related by blood doesn't give one the right to treat others like that. Blood doesn't keep me from cutting ties with someone. Geez, my whole family (as in, relatives) is broken apart. Aunts and uncles and cousins I never talked to/don't talk to anymore because my parents got in a huge dispute with them.
There was also another thing that added to all of this shit, but it's somehow harder to explain so I won't even bother until I figured out what my problem with that douche is.

Now I'm gonna concentrate on crying out the last bit of sadness and focus on Friday when I'm gonna see him, my silver lining, again. [insert rainbows and glitter and hearts and other gay bullshit]


♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫

Update: My mum just came to check on me. She just randomly asked if I was okay and whether I calmed down. I was kinda shocked by the fact that she just got over it this quickly although she had treated me like that. I just ignored her.
"You've always been good at ignoring people.", she then said. "Come on, smile!"
I hate it when people do that. It always makes you grin although you're not in the mood for that. And I did.
"Now leave!", I said though and put my pokerface back on very quickly.

I also added enumerations to every post title because it looks much better with the number of each post. To do that I had to click every single post seperately though, so I also deleted pictures that weren't working anymore because I dumbass deleted them at one point from my Google cloud thingy.

Last but not least? I love you so much, Z-nee ;_____; WILL YOU MARRY ME?! XD *wink wink wink insider joke*

#54: Quick life update

Urgh I'm still so intrigued by my American reader who uses Firefox. Y U no reveal yourself?!

Yeah, got random InsaniTees for my brother and me but look, this blog isn't just to review Qwertee shirts, as much as I would love it to be. The quality's always the same, it's just the design that changes. No pics this time, just wanted to mention that my brother got a Cheshire Cat one, I got Indiana Mouse. After my first InsaniTee experience (the Pokémon tees) I was actually disappointed, but hey, that's the risk of ordering a random (but therefore cheap) shirt. Brown isn't really a colour I like to wear and I'm not a big fan of Indiana Jones (I don't dislike it, just never watched a thing so I never got into it), but it's kinda cute the more I think about it.

Anyway, what else happened in my life in the past month?
Exams mostly. A-Level examinations. All the written exams are now done, I just need to return all my school books and have the final oral exam in about two weeks. But before that happens, I'm going to "vacation". Vacation as in seeing a reeeeeally good friend who lives across the country and going to concerts (together). Like seriously, I'm so excited to see two out of my four favourite bands/singers within two days ♥
Also, remember the date I mentioned? A second one with the same guy happened and that apparently marks now the date we became a couple. As much as I would love going into details... from experience I know that making stuff like this public results in a break-up. Not because of the fact that I shared that, but because I was kinda calling for it. Twitter doesn't count, amirite?
I'll just see where this experience is gonna take me. If it makes me stay here after all, then that's that. All I know is that I really enjoy this despite our differences and that's what love's about, right?

Well, back to doing nothing all day now.

#53: Level of stress > 9000

Easter vacation were so relaxing~! A time during which I enjoyed being lazy and doing nothing at all. In other words, I watched YouTube all day (sadly I mean it in a literal way) and stuffed myself with my Easter chocolate. I've been wanting to catch up with my whole subscription box, but as I couldn't scroll down 2 months of YouTube time, I decided on just catching up with the gameplays of my favourite YouTuber.
I also got a unicorn shirt from Übertee, a subsidiary of Qwertee. Its print is The Last Unicorn, a very important memory of my childhood, so I couldn't keep myself from buying this wonderful shirt.

After Easter, a short wave of panic overcame me. I decided on doing a little research on Australian universities since I wanted to go there; The requirements almost made me cry. Not because they were impossible to meet, no. It was because of the English proficiency test I had to take. Obviously TOEFL was the best choice and taking it on C1 should be pretty easy, especially since I only had to pass with a B, but fuck my life is that shit expensive. 245$ for that test. Despite my optimism about passing, it's such a scarily high number. If I didn't pass, the money'd be wasted.

Even if I passed, I still needed money for the flight and for a lot of other different expenses this life would cost me.

The next morning, all the trouble seemed to be unimportant and I was pretty calm about things. Sure, it was still necessary for me to get a job, but that is and will only be a little hurdle in my life. I achieved far greater things so far.

Enough about the future, what about the present? It's now my last week of school. It's a usual custom for local students of my grade to have a themed week. Everyday has a different topic and we dress up differently during each day and go to school like that. Yesterday's theme was "First Day Of School", means we all dressed up like first graders in elementary school. Of course people kept staring at me like I was some kind of weirdo while I walked to school. Me with my satchel.

Tomorrow's theme is "Rich and Poor" in a special localized theme. You gotta imagine that here people who don't earn enough/are unemployed receive money from the government. That package of money has a certain name and that's our "poor". So, I'm gonna dress up like a bitch with make-up like I fell into the make-up case of my mother. I'm so excited, nobody's gonna expect me to look like that. It's going to be especially funny if I walk into Math class in the morning as the last person like usual. All eyes on me, bitches! lol joke I'm actually avoiding people taking photos of me because I'm afraid of getting published somewhere online.

After that week, final exams start. I'm pretty optimistic about the exams in English and my native language, however, Biology and Geography might become a problem. Studying might do the trick though... In case I overcome my laziness and procrastination~

So yeah, the headline for the blog was irony. I'm too relaxed to stress out now. I have no idea where this relaxation is coming from, but I dig it. Might be my grave though! Get it? Dig my own grave? Ahahahahahaha I suck.

There are actually more interesting stories about my life, such as a certain date I had last Saturday, but for now I prefer not recalling it. It was a first and very spontaneous date, so there was absolutely no romance included. Pretty formal, yet awkward as fuck because of my personality. Working on it though. Or not.

If it comes to love, I'm going with fate, as I'm supposed to.

#52: Aaaaand down the hill it goes

Shit, it's back.
The overwhelming feeling of loneliness. Despite having so many people who care about me, I feel all alone in the world. People are being pushed away by me and in the end, I'm crying myself to sleep because no one's there for me.
It's your own fault, stupid.
I'm aware of that, consciousness. But I just can't change it.
Secretly I really just want to be in a relationship, but one can't force anything, especially if my heart's still in its former places. Heh, won't ever get over them.
I'm praying for my favourite medicine - sleep - to cure me. The shit I've done to my people though? Still gotta work that out.

#51: Back to the roots

Yes, changed the colours and the font a bit. Is that better or worse or the same for you?

Yesterday was an amazing day for me.
The weather was really good and spring-like (Warm, sunny... simply perfect.), so my mother, my brother and his girlfriend and me went out for a walk with our dog.

My mum screamed when she encountered this cutie and made a jump - the frog/toad (?) on the other hand didn't give a single fuck this day until my brother stomped with both feet on the ground behind it, making it jump away quite scared.

At the end of this long, long walk we ended up at something that used to be a ski slope. As it hasn't snowed enough to ski for years, they started turning it into a dirt bike trail, and at that time there was this one guy on his bike training. For his own safety he was wearing a motorcycle helmet so you couldn't see his face. While he was doing riding down the slope, my mum said she wanted to watch him, so we stopped and just stood there, watching that stranger. After he was done, my mum started clapping and that dude just stared at her.
"Come on, I really liked it. It was good!", she said.
I actually only heard her say that because I kept looking away because of embarrassment the entire time.
Dirt bike senpai didn't notice me (´;ω;`)

As we got home, I got an honest message.
"I don't think DP's the right one for you. He's enjoying being fangirled at a little too much."
This should have made me quite sad, but actually it ended up making me feel relieved. Not only did it save me a lot of emotional disappointment in case I'd put my effort into this guy and it wouldn't work, but also did I expect DP to be a womanizer. On the con I met him? He talked to a lot of people, but most of them were girls. Groups of them. After all, he was fairly handsome.
What made me happiest however was having met my "wingman". We've barely been talking for a few days, but I can possibly seeing it turn into a long-lasting friendship because he was being considerate and protective.
"But it was your DP, are you really okay with giving up on him?", he asked despite his judgment.

This whole talk about a wingman then inspired me to draw. Like really, I had an image in my head that wanted to be drawn. But in order to draw, I needed space... so I tidied up my desk, plugged headphones into my recharged iPod and sent myself straight to the heavens with that. Music still was and is my life and manages to cheer me up, no matter what emotional condition I'm in. (Listening to music as I'm typing this, yep.)
An hour and eventually two passed. I didn't drew anything but a wingman logo (which was the Superman logo with a W instead of the S). The reason wasn't just the fact that I got distracted a lot but also the long time I hadn't touched a pencil. It's been months and I actually thought about giving up on drawing (not just in that moment, but like, forever) until I had the idea to have a warm-up. This "warm-up" consisted of copying a photo by drawing it. It actually looked good until I tried to colour it. Usually I don't draw portraits and concentrate on drawing in manga style, but I knew that I was good at observing and copying stuff. Nevertheless this whole thing took me two hours: More than I wanted to take, as this wasn't supposed to be my main creation.
Today I ended up turning my own photo into a drawn portrait. After I was done I managed that the head turned out to be way too big in relation to the body. I could've easily changed that since there wasn't much of a body actually, but I didn't feel like that. I'll just keep it as a reminder of my crappy skills and as an incentive to get better.
If I have the chance to, I'd love to sit down every evening and just randomly scribble stuff. It's so calming and makes me feel so much more like my old self. My old, colourful self. Back when I had so much hobbies that I'd never be bored or feel like a plain Jane. Looks like I'm getting there slowly, especially since Easter vacation is about to start! Two weeks time to be creative in all kind of ways!

#50: It's a small world

The world is small, everybody knows each other and things change so suddenly at a pace that even surprises myself.

My mood swings today were one thing, but that's not what I'm talking about since that's nothing new, is it? What I'm actually talking about is a certain event considering the Deadpool cosplayer from the very first event (going to call him DP from now on). Yes, he's probably gonna be my topic for the next 5 million posts because I can.

So while I was casually talking to the guy I was mentioning yesterday (Confused already? Good.), he suddenly asked if I had found my DP now. Nope, of course I hadn't, but I was told to describe DP to him.

"I know that guy.", he said.

I gasped.

"The dude's not contactable personally", he continued, "only through his female friend. They're just friends I believe."

Somehow he ended up getting his Skype from her and he started texting with DP. I didn't get much details about the whole thing - how guys text with each other still remains a mystery to me - but he was confirming that it was exactly that guy. He was on the same convention and when I got to see a photo, I knew for sure.

Playing the wingman jokes aside, I was told that DP's Skype profile said he's be 9 years older than me. He definitely didn't look that old and that detail could be fake, but then again, you never know. I'm excited, but on the other hand I'm also scared.

But moreover, I'm just so amused how all these events concerning all these Deadpool cosplayers are related with each other. Who would have known?

Either it's the calm before the storm or my life is finally going uphill. Not just like this, I'm really not expecting a romance, but generally I've been feeling much happier and relaxed about things like school. Sadness comes less often, especially not as bad as it did today and with all the upcoming things, it seems like I finally got this going for me. Let's try to keep it up! :>

#49: Being in my element: Fangirling and shopping

God. Fucking. Dammit.
Had my whole doctor visit stuff typed out and meant to post it before this other convention I went to took place, but apparently that never happened, After that much stuff happened that I can barely keep up, especially now that I suddenly have the urge to post.
Yes, I am procrastinating although I should be learning for an important Biology test tomorrow, and yes, I blame you, stupid bank clerk. You know who I'm talking about. Stalker. Then again, it's my fault since I rubbed the fact that I'd write about you in your face urgh. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.

Soooo, why the break of one month?
As I mentioned before, I was being sick. That almost stole two weeks of my time, followed by trying to catch up with school stuff (I gave up in the end) and actually enjoying doing school work. My free time mainly consisted of shopping on Qwertee, where I got these new tees,

playing Love Live (asdfghjkl I need the SR Kotori of this event, she's so cute, my lovely waifu ; 3 ;), and going to conventions, as I hinted in my not-so-smooth introduction paragraph. That's what I've been dying to blog about for the past week. However... This report requires a little bit of a back story. So let's rewind.

After my last convention I was desperately trying to find that Deadpool cosplayer again. Every hour I kept checking this website where local people would (hopefully) upload their galleries of photos taken there. A photo of "my" Deadpool was actually posted there, but nobody linked him(self) on that photo, so that was a dead end (just checked, still no link). That's why I had the idea to search for Deadpool cosplays on the very same page. There were a few guys, but really only one whose face seemed somehow similar to the one in my memories or who I hoped it to be. However, he had a Sheriff Deadpool cosplay, so I didn't get my hopes up. You know where this is going, right, clerk?

Then the time for the convention had come. Hoping to meet the dude again, I again dressed up with the hoody (OMG THERE WAS THIS ONE GUY WITH A GIRLFRIEND WHO WORE THE EXACT SAME HOODY PLUS T-SHIRT), not knowing it would summon other evil spirits. My brother didn't come with me by the way, instead my mum and best friend accompanied me. As every year, the book fair slash convention was packed and the later it got, the more crowded it got as well.

I have no idea what time it was, but at some point we decided to meet up with my mum again to pick up some cadged cash. Therefore, we left the hall where the comic/manga section was in and ended up in a passable glass hall where the cosplayers were pretty much relaxing most of the time.

Suddenly something struck my head. I didn't know what was happening until I turned around and saw that Deadpool cosplayer standing there. A sheriff one.

He waved in a friendly way at me, holding a sword in his other hand. That's what he hit me with, I realized, and perplexedly waved back.

Not knowing what else to do, I kept on walking.

Yep, it was just as awkward as the other meeting before.

But holy crap, a Deadpool Sheriff?! It was the same guy I had my eyes on before!

Bla bla bla, I bought more manga since I couldn't decide on which Deadpool comic to start with, feet hurt, returned home in the train.

What I actually bought (= I also grabbed a lot of free stuff, such as stickers, pins/buttons, bookmarks, posters...):

One week later, I had eventually managed to message that cosplayer on that website where he had his cosplay uploaded. He did remember hitting me and that got us into talking (nonstop ever since then kinda).

Fangirling aside, before anyone gets their hope up like I did, the guy's happily taken, and that's awesome, I'm happy for him that he's able to work out his far distance relationship unlike I did. Good luck for you in the future as well, you two :3 #IShiptIt

Now there's a whole month left before it's my last day of school (one week of that being Easter vacation). After that, final exams start as well as my concert/convention time. Again.

Not sure how much more I'm gonna post because of those, but oh well, if I need to vent, and even if it's fangirling shit, it'll be here. Or Twitter. Yep, probably Twitter.

Now excuse me while I delete some embarrassing tweets and try to study for Biology. Evolution theories need me more than my non-existent blog readers do.

Au revoir, messieurs.

#48: Between school and headaches

Lately my spine has been doing worse again. Not to mention that I haven't been to sport for seniors rehabilitation sports for the past two weeks, simply because I either forgot or was too tired to go. To cut a long story short, my spine (which contains the central nervous system) is in a false posture, which in return causes bad headaches. Ibuprofen doesn't help as much as I wish it did, taking naps does rarely help, so I always have to wait until my night time's sleep to make it go away - until it comes back the next day, since sleeping of course doesn't cure my false posture.
For different reasons, one of them being procrastination, I haven't been sleeping much either lately. So when I come home from school, be it 16 o'clock or earlier, I would take naps until dinner. Naturally I wake up even sleepier and as the evening advances, I wake up. It's a doom loop.
School is also a thing. I'm really only doing the school work I'm supposed to do for the next day. That's an attitude that's making my life really hard and I'm not proud of that, but it's just so hard to change. I bet my Master-chan can relate, he he.
Mentioning her, she's one of the few people I regularly exchange letters with. Penpaling is a thing that's dear to me and it's the only thing that ever makes me go into town voluntarily: Because that's where the post office is. I would always be so happy when I find a letter or package on my bed after getting home from school. Nowadays most stuff I receive is from online shopping though, especially a website called Qwertee. They have so cute and geek-ish shirts sometimes, that I just buy them. They're cheap, too, and since the ship from Ireland, the shipping costs and time is so cheap and fast that I can't complain. Pictures about my ordered shirts are on my Twitter by the way. As soon as my random shirts arrive, pictures will be here though~
Shameless advertising over. Just kidding. Everyone who has a tablet should play Love Live already!!
*creeps back into bed and plays Love Live till death*
Haaaah, my waifus... ❤

#47: Effective reader luring

So after my post yesterday I apparently had more visitors on one day than ever before. To be fair, I also used more labels than I ever did before. I didn't even lie about them, all labels were related to my post in a way. Together with the option enabled that my blog is listed on Google, it's of course a more effective way to get visitors.
Let's say someone's searching for a cool Deadpool cosplayer. Well, because I intensively raved about a (by the way still unknown) certain cosplayer like that yesterday, that someone would find his or her way to my blog, hoping to find an epic cosplay photo. Hopes crushed.
Sorry but not sorry. I'm kinda glad you found your way to my blog, however you did! If it amuses you just a tiny bit, I'm more than happy to have helped. If not, sorry for wasting your time.
Even people who instantly close the tab after getting to my blog... They still make the visitor counter raise its number. And I'm just so happy when I get about 10 views. It's not much. No, it's actually nothing, but to me, it means the world, imagining that at least a single person bothers reading my silly and unimportant thoughts.
So yes, to end this useless rambling... Whoever's out there, I hope you feel loved. You're amazing and you deserve all happiness on earth ♥

#46: One of those days

It's one of those days where I keep pushing away the people I love most because I'm not feeling well.
To be fair, a reason why I'm not feeling well in the first place is a person I love. After the first week of calling every day for hours, somehow the contact slowed down. We wouldn't talk for more than 24 hours because that person was busy, sleeping... All kinda things. But in the end, it's for the better. I almost gave up my dreams just for being with a person that can offer me nothing but love. It sounds like shit, but that just isn't enough for me. Love is important and I wouldn't want to live without it, but it being the only thing to live on is a thought I couldn't possibly consider.
"It was fate. If you don't fight for something, you don't need it."
I can agree to that. I just hope I'll get over this soon, I hate feeling this sad and heartbroken. And my psychologist probably won't like hearing about it either, lol.
Well, for now I'm keeping myself up with Our Last Night, by far my favourite band. Not just a band.

Moving away from this depressive talk, yesterday I went to the convention I mentioned in my last post.
My brother and I got up at 7 in the morning to catch the bus heading to the train station 90 minutes later. After that, a 3.5 hour train ride awaited us. In theory. I, who navigated us from train to train, made a mistake once. We took the train into the wrong direction, so we arrived an hour later than planned.
The first thing my eyes caught upon getting in was the face of a very handsome Deadpool cosplayer. (I don't like western comics/Marvel much, but Deadpool is an exception.) The day afternoon seemed to be starting in a very good way already. It got even better, as we went further in: There was another Deadpool cosplayer, the face under the mask even handsomer and his custom much more detailed. Unlike the first one who walked hand in hand with a girl, he also seemed to be there all by himself. You saw him talking to all kinda people all the time. Of course, especially girls. My brother suggested taking a photo together with him, and I playfully slapped him and instantly refused in a tsundere-ish way. Yet the more often I kept running into the cosplayer, the more I started crushing on fangirling over him.
After we grabbed lunch in the cafeteria, I checked my phone to see a message from the cosplayer I wanted to give my Valentine's gift to. She asked where I was for a print of her cosplay I also wanted to buy. We walked around another short while, when I finally got a reply. It took me courage, but right away he and I went upstairs, to find her sitting on a bench. She gave me the print, I paid her and then gave her my present. (Edit: OHMYGOSH SHE POSTED A PHOTO OF IT ON TWITTER) My knees were shaking like hell while we walked away.
Soon after that happened we again found ourselves back at the merchant area. I really wanted to buy Clow Cards from Card Captor Sakura, but on the other hand, there was this amazing Deadpool cardigan. Clow Cards were half the price of the cardigan, but I'd have more from the cardigan. The merchant offered me eventually to try on the cardigan, and I did. Reluctantly I bought it and instantly changed my outfit from my Hatsune Miku cardigan to my Deadpool one.

Suddenly, there was this Deadpool cosplayer again. I tried not to stare while we sneaked away from him. He saw my back nevertheless and shouted "Awesome jacket!" after me. Shocked by this sudden attention, I did nothing and just kept walking. My brother heavily criticized me for that behaviour. Just seconds after I that, I regretted this as well, since a lot of good comeback lines kept popping up in my head. "You're more awesome! *wink*" for instance. Perks of being shy.

Shortly after a toilet break and right before we wanted to leave, we ran into him again. People kept blocking the way, so my brother walking in front of me with a gap that grew and grew. When the crowd faded, I started running to catch up. More to avoid the Cosplayer than to catch up actually. I didn't consider that me running would be getting more attention than not, but that thought didn't cross my mind until he called after me again.

"Hey, awesome jacket, turn around!" Was that now my new nickname?

I turned around while walking backwards.

He threw the finger guns at me, followed by a wink. Unconsciously I responded with the same gesture. As I turned back to see where I was walking, I died already. The embarrassment was real.

As my brother and I got our jackets from the cloakroom, I saw him a last time and cursed at my brother for not forcing me to take a picture with him after all. Who knows if I would ever find him again? 

On the train ride back we played paper games and talked about music and video games. I can proudly say that my brother is my favourite person to go to places, we just had a lot of fun and I'm really looking forward to go to the book fair with him next month ❤

#45: Post for the second straight day

It's amazing, isn't it? I don't even know how and why I'm on a run like this, but I'll just go with it. Feels hella good to be back with only me and the English language.
After having posted yesterday, I went to my YouTube channel and changed my header, as well as my Google+ one. I still don't use Google+ much, but as for my Android phone, I do like the functions. I can't really complain.
Besides that, I haven't really been doing anything today besides watching YouTube videos. I haven't been watching for about three weeks, and when you're subscribed to 108 fucking channels you have a lot to catch up. Especially since Cry's videos are 30 minutes and longer each, his direct imports from his streams almost two hours each. Not kidding, during this week I spent at least 20 hours watching YouTube videos.
Yes, I should be doing other stuff. But this popcorn? It's just too good and I'm actually too tired to do anything else.
It's not like I was this lazy all day. I actually accompanied my mum to grocery shopping today and got some Valentine's Day gifts for a person I admire. I know that person had some hard times in the past, so since I'll be meeting her on a convention, I want to make her a little happier. As weird as it sounds, friends and family won't be getting anything, just that one person. She's not my love interest though. So yeah, that's something I'm looking forward to next week! ❤

#44: I'm still alive and breathing!

Wow, my last post on here was more than a year ago, shortly after I returned from Japan. I actually had three sentences in a draft for a new post written in November last year, but I never got around to publish it. For the better though. I can summarize all of 2014 by saying I had ups and downs the entire time. Like seriously. Started seeing a psychologist, was about to finish therapy in December, but got worse again and now I'm just feeling so very happy again. This is life pretty much.

I also apologize in advantage for this rambling blog. This post is mainly for cheering myself up, so it's gonna be a lot of cheesy cheering lines.

The reason I'm picking up my blog again is because I know it would help me in many ways. One is of course to keep writing, a thing I loved to do more than anything. I have no idea why I ever stopped, especially in English, since that's my favourite language out of the four I'm able to speak. Second reason is it being something like a diary, and diaries are good in so many ways. You can get stuff of your chest without directly talking to someone. Of course my blog being so publicly visible might be a disadvantage, but it's not like I intend on hiding my feelings. If anyone is reading my blog, he or she has probably seen my Twitter anyway. Since mini blogs are easier to write (140 letter limit), that's where I really update regularly. Even post links to new blog entries will be posted there, in case I will ever post one again after this. ψ(｀∇´)ψ

Well, what have I been up to? The only things I've really been doing regularly are playing Love Live and watching YouTube. It's kinda sad how my hobbies, which used to be really broad, have reduced this much. Because of that I've had depressions as well, since I felt like I became a boring plain Jane with no hobbies. I'm not stressed out about it anymore, I came to terms with it. I mean, after all, it's kinda motivating. The journey to find my place in this world is still ongoing and honestly, it's just so exciting. It's not like I can just blend out the negative things, but when those happen, I know that I will be happy soon after. And I mean, two days ago an amazing thing happened to me. If one of those negative things before hadn't happened, I'd never have been in this position. Life is good right now! Then again, I'm on vacation. I don't want to go to schoooooool!

Gosh, I really need to get used to this again first, urgh. Oh well, ending this post with love. Cheers!

❤～(´ε｀*)